#divorce, Loss of identity!!

Today was a really good day. Nothing particularly special happened externally (well the sun came out – that’s a pretty special occurrence!) but inside, I feel differently today.

I feel like I have found myself again! The person who I am inside, the core essence if you want a cheesy way of putting it! I had forgotten how good it feels to be your own person, I’m slightly unnerved by how quickly it has come around but then I am a very strong person – I’ve been tested many a time and the test in this instance is no different – in fact in many ways it is less so a test and more so an opportunity to achieve more than I had set my sights on before.

I have written several blog posts over the last week – none of which I published. I started to wonder why I wasn’t publishing them? What was it about them that didn’t sit right with me? I read them all again. They don’t sound like me – that was the issue. They were all true to the letter, written at various times (mostly the middle of the night) and were filled with the feelings and thoughts I was processing at the time – but it wasn’t me. These posts were ‘wallowing’, reliving the moments where I have been sucker-punched by reality over the last week, they were sad and most significantly they had a real sense of hopelessness. One thing I am not is someone who is hopeless. 

I am a proactive person, a fiercely independent strong individual. If you are a friend of mine and you are in a bad place, you speak to me when you are ready to do something about it – I cannot support self-perpetuating cycles of misery and despair! This was it, the eureka moment. I needed to be my own best friend last night, sit myself down, talk through all the options open to me and set a plan, baby steps at first but achievable little wins to start regaining my character, personality and essence!

Instantly I could feel myself relax and this has continued to this evening where I am writing this feeling the calmest I have in weeks. I like being me. Me is a really fun person and I missed her. I suspect others will start to see me again over the weeks to come, (one who never knew me before has certainly started to see a glimpse) but I’m not all there just yet – it will take some more time and I do appreciate there will also be sad/depressing/anxious moments to come to but so long as I have my life back, they will only be temporary I’m sure.

Survival Tips

Who is me? A glass of wine or soft beverage of your choice, a pen and a piece of paper is what you will need and then answer the following questions…add to the list of questions too, don’t worry if you don’t know all the answers…keep it with you and add to it as you remember/come across the answers. The MOST important is to make sure these answers are yours and not what you think are yours but are in fact your ex’s!! 

• What are your favourite things?
• What are your dislikes?
• What’s your favourite music?
• What food do you like?
• What does your ideal Saturday look like?
• Where do you want to travel to?
• Who/what is most important to you?
• What are your beliefs? Morals? & Values?

This is your opportunity to rediscover you. Draw yourself a new picture, get to know yourself well. Learn what brings happiness into your life now and what is negative for you. The answers to these questions could make the difference between remaining in the identity-less limbo going through divorce forces upon you or making the most of the time and stepping towards rebuilding  yourself cementing the foundations for your new confident happy life! 

Strong for too long...today's a sad day

I would just like to get this off my chest, today I am sad. Yes I am also tired, but I am mostly sad. I hurt and as much as I am fighting it telling myself "you shouldn't allow the hurt in yet, you should still be angry, stay angry!" I can't stay angry all the time, my minds not listening anymore, I really bloody hurt and that's all I can think and feel.

This period is inevitable I know, it's a natural next step in the cycle but the fact doesn't lessen the blow. Everything hurts, my limbs, my muscles, even my bones I think, my head aches and my heart – well, let’s not go there. I don’t hurt in the way I long for him back. I genuinely don’t want him but I miss having a person, my person, the person who wraps you up in his arms and makes it feel like it's all going to be OK because in that moment, nothing else matters, because you know you are loved. I was told today that divorce can feel a lot like bereavement; not sure I can argue with that right now.

The pain is the loss of the future I had imagined/planned and was working my ass off towards, coupled with the waste of nearly a 3rd of my life which includes all the opportunities I passed up because of him. I feel guilty for how this is affecting my family and my friends. As much as I am adamant I know I will be OK, everything is so out of my control in this limbo period, there are moments when I really struggle to see how it can all work out OK.

Today I am certain you cannot go through this time of life without it hurting like a bitch (I confess, I had been kidding myself I could escape the really bad bits). I just wish the hurt would hurry up and get out of me so I can move on!

Survival Secrets

The survival secret of the day comes from a lovely fellow divorcee who has been through this (years since) and took the time to write to me with her tips (thank you A), one of which was…

Do allow yourself "duvet days". It is acceptable to crack, all the planning, organisation, working and desperate attempts to keep yourself busy will become too much. There will be days you have no way of stopping the tears, you will cry and hurt and you do need to let it all out and likely stay in bed for the day!

A quote came to mind when reading her advice: 

"Crying doesn't make you weak, it just means you've been strong for too long" 

Too true. 

What to expect in the first few weeks...

I wasn't sure what I would feel or how I would be day to day once the bomb went off, the first few days I cried a lot but this was also mixed with a tangible overriding feeling of anger. I spent hours physically shaking with pure rage and to be honest, this is exhausting! I think I got to a point where I would exhaust myself with the anger pulsating through me that I then would flip straight to tears and a feeling of utter weakness/exhaustion. The first weeks go SOO quickly whilst feeling like its moving at a snail’s pace. I didn't know what day it was most of the time and the most difficult times were when attempting simple tasks.

After the bomb was dropped (by SMS) and my husband made it clear he wasn't coming home to discuss/face it I rang my dad. If you'd asked me prior to this, who I would call under these circumstances I can absolutely swear I would not have said my parents. Ironic as in that moment, the only people I wanted to hear from was them. My dad just said "come home" so that's what I did, packed a holdall, got in my car and drove the 3hr trip home.

Whilst driving I made myself a few promises:

1. You will not let this get the better of you, there is a lot to live for and you will not drop the ball on the other areas of your life - you will be ok
2. Every day you will get up at the alarm, shower and put your make up on ready to face the world
3. You will eat 3 balanced meals a day

I found this exercise quite comforting and survived the drive by avoiding all music with a hint of heartbreak in the lyrics! Sometimes you can be openly grateful for the Disney compilation CD your god daughter left in the car!!

Now my promises 2&3 seem quite simple, these are normal activities. Ordinarily I can get up, shower, put a full face on, dry my hair, dress and leave the house in 45mins on a work day - I have it down to an art. Post bomb however, just simply completing no:2 took me up to 2 hours!! 

I couldn't think straight, I couldn't find anything, I couldn't remember what I normally did in what order. I couldn't decide what to wear; I lost extra minutes in the shower just standing there. It was really frustrating to go through and irritated me intensely - this is not difficult, you are only doing what you have done every morning for the past 10 years - why can't I function for goodness sake! But that was just it, I couldn't function, I couldn't process, I almost couldn't think about anything, my mind was in overdrive and yet completely blank. It's almost like when you open too many applications on an older laptop, you know it can run these applications individually but together it just enters into a whirring frozen state - you can see all the windows are open on the screen and the cursor flickers at you but nothing loads. Slowly one by one the status changes to "not responding" and now you have to shut everything down and start again. That's exactly what my mind was like for the first few weeks...not responding. 

How did I deal with it? Initially not very well…my inability to function really peeved me off – (may account for some of that rage experienced!) I think it was the third morning and I decided enough was enough. I sat down in my room and wrote a list/timetable for my morning routine: 

5:45 Alarm goes off
5:50 Get up and shower
6:05 Moisturize and feed cats
6:10 Put on make up, start with x etc
6:25 Blow dry hair
6:30 Dress

I made sure all my products were laid out in order of use, my clothes were selected and hung on wardrobe the night before and my towels always returned to the bathroom. The first day with the plan was better but the ones after – I was back in the groove. The plan was so prescriptive, I didn't have to think - it was all there, step by step instructions - I didn't even have to think about it. Heaven! One less thing to think about was a joy I can tell you!

No:3 was slightly harder to accomplish once I returned home from the comfort of my parents’ house. Ordinarily I am an emotional eater; I eat when happy, sad, stressed etc. I love food (and learned to love the exercise required to burn off my intake of food!). Post bomb though, I had no appetite - I still have no appetite. I make myself 3 meals a day, admittedly the portion sizes are smaller than they used to be (if I eat too much I am sick). Sometimes I am still sick anyways, no reason, nothing clinically wrong with me (checked with Dr) it is simply the stress and emotional turmoil working its way out apparently. Delightful. On the upside, I have slimmed down a little – that beach body is ready for the summer – no diet required just a cheating husband and pending divorce! I’ll take the positives where I can get them!

So, what can I warn you to expect  – definitely an inability to function when faced with simple tasks, loss of short term memory, tears, anger, weakness, ulcers (I had a mouth full – awful!), loss of appetite, sickness, stomach cramps, headaches (a couple of migraines to in my case), constant feeling of being cold, insomnia, exhaustion and really puffy eyes...BUT – it does get better, I’m 6 weeks in and I only have the coldness, insomnia and exhaustion left – that and occasional nausea! I still have the tears but only very occasionally and they usually catch me off guard, a line in a song or something said on TV – silly little triggers. I have no illusion, I do know there are many more tears to come but I reckon if I could get some more sleep – they would be fewer. Everything seems worse when you are tired.

There is no escaping it, going through the break-up of a marriage is excruciatingly painful, exhausting and often seems like it will never get better but today, today was a good day. I smiled all day today – I got the giggles at work and I actually felt happy. I am going to go to bed feeling happy too. Today is really a turning point and now I’ve had one; I want many more days like today please!

Survival Secrets

• Have a routine for simple tasks, written down as a check list and keep to hand
• Buy a notebook and write everything that is important to remember (or might be) in it. It’s also handy for writing down your to do’s because you won’t remember.
• Eat 3 meals a day – even if its mice sized portions, include your 5 A Day – you need the vitamins
• Buy some herbal refreshing eye drops – not so good at reducing the puff but they do help soothe the stinging, great for tired eyes too. 

If you have any survival secrets to share I would love to hear them. Either leave a comment or email me at girlexwifenewlife@gmail.com 

Until next time...I'm off to have a cuppa with a smile!

Yes I'm a divorcee but I have a fabulous future ahead

This week’s been a weird one. I think the longer you carry on the more reality sets in. I don't miss my husband but I think that's because I'm so angry with him. I do however feel sad and boy that hurts. 

The first few weeks I was so full of adrenaline and still very much in shock that I was quite positive! I had a plan of action (and I'm sticking to it) and the future was bright, but now, the steps in the plan are further apart now which leaves days of nothing to focus on but work. I love my job and yes, it does keep me occupied but there are plenty of hours in the day I'm not working and all of the time my mind wanders. To date I think I’ve managed 3 hours of not drifting to thoughts about what's happened -  apart from when I'm sleeping but that I'm not sure on either – I have vivid dreams. You see, my mind is doing a wonderful job of dreaming its way through the reality of what should have been, kids, new house, holidays together etc - thanks for that brain, really helps! My thoughts, not more than two months ago were of a beautiful future, redecorating the house, holidays etc - the questions I had were what colors do I want on the walls? Where should we go away? Now, the questions are predominantly what the hell happened? How did I not see this coming?  What did I miss? What am I supposed to do now? How should I be feeling? How should I behave? but most of all: Who am I now? 

Who am I now, well, I am going to be a 'Divorcee' - this is really irritating me. I will, one day, have to tell my children (when I have them) that mummy was actually married before. Prior to this, I will have to tell the boyfriends of the future I am divorced and it's bugging me. My parents have said “you only have to tell those people who matter so no need to let it play on your mind” but I am not very good at keeping secrets. You get what you see with me, no hidden skeletons in the closet and brutal honesty if you ask me questions - the ability to lie/hide things is not in my skill set and never will be. The one exception to this rule is if others confide in me, I can be trusted with that information for sure but I won't lie for people nor allow them to come to harm so again there are exceptions. 

Anyway - back to the topic. I'm struggling with the 'divorcee' bit as I hate the thought of being labelled. There are countless articles about how there is always “two in a marriage and divorce is a result of fault on both sides” etc. I just don't feel I fall into a 'fault' category. Even my stb-ex husband swears I did nothing wrong apart from be a better person than him which he couldn't deal with - could that really be classed as a fault? I married him for better or worse, I really believed in my vows - I lived them to the best of my ability, I was everything I believe a wife should be and more. I am a good person and I don't want a label that causes that to be questioned. The logical side of my mind is saying those who have still have an issue with you being divorced, once they understand the circumstances, are not people who are going to enrich your life so probably shouldn't be a part of it in any event. Like with all labels people place on one and other, they are superficial - it does not and should not define you as a person. 

I'm not going to say "I take my divorcee label and will wear it with pride", instead: "Yes, I am a divorcee and it was my choice. I chose not to stay married to someone who does not value their vows. I was betrayed and deeply hurt but I survived it, made good choices for myself and will go on to live a happier life. I will meet someone who will be for me, the person I am for them. An individual who will value, live and breath their vows to me and I deserve nothing less". Got it? Good. 

* Survival Secrets *

On a brighter note, I realised this morning that I now have the opportunity to rethink my life goals/dreams. I no longer have to craft them around another person. It’s a weirdly exciting thought – so many times I have said no to opportunities, not allowed myself to consider possibilities outside of my location, never really thought about what “I” really want, it was always “we” for the last 8 years. 

So this brings me to the step for this week - what my armchair moment is going to look like? 

• 50 years from now, what do I want to look back on? 
• What memories will I have? 
• What experiences will I cherish? 
• Moreover what will I have achieved in my life?  

This is also my question for you – whatever stage of the end of marriage process you are at, take the time to sit down and reassess your goals, dreams and ambitions. Shut out the ex, start with a blank page, ignore the current financial/location binds and write the first things that come into your mind...

I’d love to hear what you have... I will be sharing mine too! For if you have no dreams, goals or ambitions, how do you know you’re making progress? Equally, these may change in time, and that is ok too, but I definitely think a person should have one or two to have to hand – it’s great to dream and it feels so good to live them!  

A little intro...

Here goes...I'm not sure I should even be writing this as I keep thinking about a statement made by a very wise friend of mine centred on how very sad it is that in this day and age, everyone's life is played out online. I agree in part, however, in this instance my aim is not to seek attention, boast, nor elicit sympathy - but provide a real life story for others who find themselves in my situation to discover and in some way I hope it may help them.

The idea only came to me when I found myself googling for other blogs in an attempt to find someone else in my situation, who has been where I have been, felt how I feel and who I hoped could provide me some guidance as to what to do next and more, confirm that it will be ok, that I will be ok!

I guess I should explain. I am in my late 20's, married for nearly 3 years and around a month ago I really felt I had a good life, everything was seemingly, at least in my mind, coming together. I even remarked at a party one evening how happy I was, that it had been a tough couple of years for my husband and I but I really felt things were on the up and how excited I was for the future. Not 12 hours later I received a text message that was to completely pull the rug from beneath my feet.

This is where I draw the line for online content, the exact details I will be keeping private but in overview my husband cheated on me, with a few different women, seemingly settling on one who he liked enough after 2.5 weeks that he decided to tell me about how he’d been unfaithful (in a text) and that our marriage was over.

I was spoon fed the whole truth over a couple of days, which may have been a good thing. I'm not sure if it had all been delivered at once a physical response of perhaps passing out or worse is likely. The drip feed effect lessened the blow somewhat as to be honest the more I found out, the less shocking it was – I was desensitised almost - that being said, I think it is wholly unacceptable to have been initiated by text and then over the phone. Boy - if you have the nuts to screw around behind your wife's back, sure as hell have the meatballs to front it out face to face.  Particularly as in my situation - he didn't want to reconcile, said he would never be able to live with himself, it would drive him crazy (notice it’s all about him - bit of a running theme I'm afraid, my husband’s true colours have shown him to be a very self-centred individual) in my mind he had nothing to lose telling me face to face.

So there you are. It's a shocker, to be fair I think I'm still in shock but each day the reality of it and the pain creeps in, little by little. I sometimes wish I was a very emotional person, that I could cry it out, scream and break things and work through it that way. Sadly I'm not. Crying annoys me as it makes my eyes hurt and puffy so it's obvious to the world what you've been doing. Although I now live alone (he left at my request) I do have two little cats who are frightened to death by me sneezing, I think screaming might do their little nerves in! And as for breaking things, I live alone, so guess who would have to clear it up and replace the items?? Yes moi and frankly I can't be arsed.

For me, it's going to be months of quietly processing what happened. You learn a lot about a person when they are no longer in your life, you hear stories from friends and family of previous behavior that rings alarm bells now, but that's the beauty of hindsight. Even if I had been told these things prior to this last month I'm not sure I would've given them as much consideration. You see I loved my husband to pieces, more than I loved myself and yes, despite being a higher achiever/earner everything I did I did for us. I was investing in our future so we could live happily for a long time. I really thought he was a wonderful person, a bit easily led at times but genuinely had a heart of gold. Equally all our friends and family (his and mine) believed this too - he had us all. It's amazing how a person can be so manipulative and incredibly clever with it.

In any event, here I am a just over a month on. Not sure day to day what I will feel. I wish I could skip the painful bit, I'm ok with anger, denial and the occasional hint of acceptance - it’s the miserable and pure pain phases that wash over me I could do without.

There are a few things I am thankful of however:

1. We have no kids (thank god, I don't know how people do this with children)
2. He's removed himself from contact with all my friends and family so I'm free of him almost entirely once the divorce is finalised.
3. I have learnt what amazing and supportive parents, best friends, extended network of friends, family and colleagues I have around me - I am truly thankful for this - not sure I'd be so together without them!
4. I will be fine.

I am not the one who has lost everything; I am more than capable of making a very good life for myself without him. I am also damned sure he doesn't get to take anything else away from me, not my confidence/self-esteem, not my money and certainly not my love. I am also sure one day I will be able to give him forgiveness but that is a LONG way off. Not so much because of what he's done, more his behaviour around it. Let's just say he's a social network attention user and has daily broadcasts of his life and indiscretions for all to see which is frankly cruel, disrespectful, insensitive and selfish.

Hmm having re-read this, I'm not sure how helpful the first entry is! Oh well, let's call it an intro and I will make sure the next remains true to reality and has a positive helpful guide mixed in! Before I go, I do have some advice…

Survival Secrets

The first survival secret I have to share, 3 daily GOLDEN rules:

1. Get up – at the alarm, every day - NO lying in bed – it will do nothing but make you miserable.
2. Shower, get dressed and put on your makeup -  If you cry it all off – who cares, you need every confidence boost right now – make the effort to look good.
3. Eat 3 meals a day - Get your 5-A-Day, you need those vitamins!