A dip with a lot of tears...

So it turns out I am not able to remain a happy bunny 100% of the time, I am disappointed by this but not so naïve as to have not anticipated a dip at some point. What caught me off guard was that it was the eve of my birthday when it happened. That I would never have guessed.

After a brilliant weekend with my lovely party and my best mates to stay, I was a very happy (admittedly very hangover) bunny. I went to work on Monday as usual and had a reasonable day…it was only as I was on the train home that I was beginning to feel grumpy, I started to think about why – was it just that my party was over and having so looked forward to it, was this just a bit of deflation now it had passed, possible. I also had to do my week shop at the supermarket as hadn’t had the time at the weekend and it’s really not something I enjoy so maybe that was adding to it. In addition I was rushing home to meet a workman coming to give me a quote at the house who then cancelled (when I was more than half way home) for the 2nd time – yes that definitely added to it (!!) and I was (am) also very tired. Despite all of this, I didn’t think I had got to the bottom of it.

When I got home from my shop, I walked into my living room and looked at my fireplace, on top stood a stack of birthday cards yet to be opened and some presents ready for tomorrow. I had the initial elation of excitement…’Oooo I can open all of those tomorrow’…and then it hit me…’alone’. This would be the first birthday of the 28 I’ve had where I will sit and open my cards and presents on my own. I am on my own. In that very moment I felt the loneliest I have ever in my life felt. I promptly burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I then got the wine out and cried some more! I was actually still pouring out the tears when the clock passed midnight and it was my birthday. Now I was crying on my birthday, another first! With that not so positive realisation I crawled into bed only to wake up at 4am with a pounding headache and the obligatory puffed eyes. Brilliant.

I did open my cards and presents on my own, and no, I didn’t feel any better about it but I was lucky to receive some beautiful gifts and really lovely cards – particularly the words written inside which made me cry again – at least happy, heartwarmed tears this time, and once I had pulled myself together, off to work I went.

I rang my best mate whilst driving home in the evening and admitted to her how awful I felt and that I thought it might be because I was lonely. I wasn’t sure how she would respond, maybe tell me to stop being ridiculous and enjoy my birthday and that I’m not on my own etc, but no, she just simply said “yeah that sucks, I’d be crushed by that too” & “don’t take this the wrong way but I am so pleased you are normal, you are a human being and do need to cry, you’ve been hurt terribly and as much as you are better off out and have no feelings for him now – he still really f*cking did one on you and the ripple effect of that is by far from over” Probably shouldn’t have rang her whilst I was driving, could’ve done with some wipers for my eyes!

Feeling a bit better today though, emotionally bruised and exhausted but better. Guess there are going to be more surprises along this road than I thought, but then you have to have the lows to appreciate the highs right? What I do need is a new plan for me; goals to really focus on for the next 12 months and get my motivation levels back up and make sure this dip doesn’t become a canyon!

Confidence, strength and happiness

Throughout my life I have always had goals of some description – to be fair I can think of at least 5 I worked towards tirelessly and then as I neared them realised it really wasn't what I wanted and so consequently set off on a new trajectory! As frustrating as it felt at the time(s) – I wouldn't change a thing. I have learnt some very important lessons by living my life, it’s made me who I am at the end of the day and as I sit here now, that’s a great place to be.

Back in December last year I was really feeling the despair of not really knowing what I wanted or where I was going. I had made choices in the recent months to allow myself to cope with all I had to manage at the time but it had meant I had walked away from a career path/company I had really bought into when I joined. It was a necessity to take the steps I did but that didn’t help me when the New Year was looming and I had no idea what it was going to hold, nor a plan round what I was going to achieve in 2012. Those who know me know I need plans or objectives to function. For me to get the most out of life and perform at the best of my abilities (without being obsessive about it) I require a plan or outline to use as a platform. The last part of 2011 I was treading water and frankly, just the fact I was doing that without a plan was drowning me!

I read an article in a magazine about “Life Coaching”, it got me thinking – maybe I need some support to identify what I want. Perhaps I should invest in myself for a change. I have to admit I was sceptical – I didn’t enter into it with any real confidence it would be the answer to my needs but I was open to the possibility it might help. I did my research and selected a coach I felt some affinity to the profile of. I made the call and was overwhelmed by the positivity and enthusiasm of the coach I didn’t hesitate to book an initial session. There is something hugely attractive to me being around positive people – if nothing else maybe I could capture some of her enthusiasm and translate that into my life!

We met first in January and over the following 3 months covered all sorts of topics. Not unlike my previous goal plans, each time we met I took the sessions off in a new direction! I have the utmost respect for my coach and her ability to keep up and remain engaged when I scupper all her planned activities for our session by introducing something off topic on each occasion! In any event it was/is exactly what I needed. With her support and employing her techniques I worked through and broke down a number of inhibiting behaviours I had adopted over the years. We identified limiting beliefs I had created as young as 13 and really wasn’t aware I was still so bound by and worked to rid myself of them. To the sceptics amongst my readers, talking of “limiting beliefs” etc. may be a bit much, but I hand on heart promise you every one of us has them and they can truly be a pain in the butt without you even realising it!

Come March I really felt I had my confidence back, I had a better idea of what made me tick and was able to outline the person I was and further who I wanted to be. We worked on defining my goals and attempting the armchair view. I had my fire back, well a small campfire, but the zest in me was there. I was motivated again. It was at this point I was approached to return to the company I had walked away from – the offer was a better position, broader possibilities for progression and I was the first choice before they went out to the market for candidates. It could not have come at a better time and I accepted without hesitation.

In April, the worst thing that could happen (as I viewed it before), happened. I was nothing short of devastated by my husbands betrayal and initially it genuinely felt like the world as I knew it had exploded and I was surrounded by debris – even the goals I had written were shredded and scattered around me. But, something interesting happened on the 4th day. I lay in bed, wide awake at 5am with eyes so sore and sunken I wasn’t sure I’d ever have a non-puffy face again and a thought popped into my head “You are worth so much more than this; you need to rely on you and get up. Do what you know works, make a plan. Put everything into that plan you would advise others to include and execute it. You can not remain in this state any longer” So…that is what I did. I started with a plan for the first week and it evolved from there. My best friend bought me a beautiful butterfly notebook and that became my little survival plan: My marriage is over – what happens next plan.

I started with the essentials: What do I need to know/do

• Work out your finances, where do you stand?
• Find a Lawyer so you can understand where you stand and what you need to do to obtain a divorce?
• Who do you need to tell about what’s happened (nearest and dearest etc.) & what message do you want to communicate
• Go to counselling asap and stick with it 
• What else I needed to do to make me feel in control of my life again
• What did I need to accomplish in the next 3 weeks so I can start my new job on form and in the right mind set

I have continued to evolve my survival plan and last weekend I realised I have reached a point where by the end of the first week of July all my objectives will be complete - aside from the divorce but that will come in time and is well under way its just a case of paperwork.

I am nearing the end of my counselling also really. When I went this week I learned I was experiencing “Posttraumatic Growth” – finally an explanation of how it is ok that I feel so happy despite that life changing explosion 3 months ago.

Definition:

“Posttraumatic growth refers to positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances. These sets of circumstances represent significant challenges to the adaptive resources of the individual, and pose significant challenges to individuals’ way of understanding the world and their place in it. Posttraumatic growth is not simply a return to baseline from a period of suffering; instead it is an experience of improvement that for some persons is deeply profound. Characteristics of Posttraumatic Growth include some of the following: greater appreciation of life, changed sense of priorities, warmer, more intimate relationships, greater sense of personal strength, and recognition of new possibilities or paths for one’s life and spiritual development.”

Now with the world of opportunity open to me and a blank canvas for my future, starting from a really positive place I need to create a new plan, what happens now I have survived and come out of it in a better position? What do I want? What will my armchair view look like? (A topic for the next entry….)

Without having completed that coaching in advance of April, I am certain I would not have been in as good a position to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on. It was extremely hard and I wouldn’t volunteer for it again, but I did it.

I will be forever grateful for having invested in myself and for the support and guidance from my wonderful coach and I am excited to work with her on my new life picture!!

Divorce petition filled at court...

This is a big step, it's very much real when you see those papers and give consent for them to be submitted to the court. I imagine for many this is a very painful part of the process. It is likely to be so for my ex when he is served with them - reality smacking you in the face is often when the bubble bursts!

I expected to feel something when it got to this point. I didn't enter into my marriage with any thought to it ending at any stage, no matter how difficult it may have ended up being. I have however (since the age of 11) maintained if a person cheats on me I am done - regardless of the circumstances or explanation but I never had him pegged for that - 'never in a million years' as they say so this was of no concern to me. 

I remember the day I made that commitment to myself; I was stood at the bottom of the stairwell at my secondary school waiting for my BFF before going up to our form room for registration. The "mean girl" gaggle approached, sniggering and whispering (they had this down to an art!), one of them walked towards me raising her shoulders, tilting her head slightly and flicking her hair over her shoulder as she teetered towards me in her 2+inch heels that she’d changed into on the school bus...I knew something was coming! I was never bullied at school after primary, I spent a lot of my childhood with boys through sport and had adopted their "do I give a cr*p attitude" and quick witted responses so it became too much effort for the mean girls to get at me and so they focused their efforts on 'weaker' prey, where they achieved their end goal of a reaction that in some way lessened their own insecurities, as bullies do! In any event, I remember feeling quite uneasy despite this. "X kissed your boyfriend in the bushes on Saturday (snigger) he's going to dump you today...(all snigger)...bet you weren't expecting that" - to my credit, I kept my shock inside and retorted with "if that's the case I wouldn't want him to be my boyfriend anyway!". It turned out he did in fact kiss a girl in the bushes and yes, he did dump me...the one and only time in my life I have been dumped and it hurt like hell! It's interesting now to think how I felt back then - I know it in detail as I have diaries for all my younger years and there are little spots of smudged ink where I had broken my 11yr old heart into it, writing about my pain and anguish...I was so rocked by that, so young as well! 

The day(s) I got the details from my ex of his indiscretions I once again broke my heart, my best friend says  I sounded like a wounded animal, that she has never heard a cry filled with so much pain before that weekend. It took over me though, the despair completely consumed me. Everything hurt and I just couldn't stop the tears! I love her for being with me those two days...I couldn't have let it out at my parents, whilst I was in shock and virtually emotionless the day I found out, my mum was not - she was (and still is) devastated by it and my dad, the angriest I have ever witnessed - not just for me and how awful it was for me, but because my parents had loved him as a son, they accepted him into our family and gave him the same support, love and nurturing as they did for me and my brother - he slapped them in the face with no regard, just as he had me. Now for them it is like he died that day, they haven't seen him nor heard from him he just disappeared from their lives.

My best friend (sister I never had) was on holiday. I hadn't planned to tell her until she got back the night after, no need to spoil her trip when she'd be home in a day. My ex however didn't give a thought to her being away and text her, before he text me, to tell her I would need her as he had cheated on me and he was about to tell me. She called as soon as she picked up the message but I told her I was fine and we’d sort it when she got back, I know she didn’t believe me but she didn’t have a choice, there were no earlier flights! The next evening I sat in my car on her drive waiting, refreshing the flight arrival schedule on my phone. Typically the plane was delayed! It was after 2am before they pulled up next to me. Immediately she got in my car and gave me the best hug I have ever had in my life and that’s when it all erupted. I struggled to breathe let alone speak and we sat there for a good hour before I felt I could stand and make it to the house. I cried all night on her sofa, I remember repeatedly telling her that it was over - recalling the memory of that stairwell 15 years previous; I had always said if I was cheated on, it was over, this was no different just on a much more dramatic scale!

It did hurt. I am conscious sometimes it may seem I didn’t care, that I am not bothered by the breakdown of my marriage or on-going divorce process. This is not the case. I did care, deeply. I am pained that I will be a divorcee and I don’t relish the process either but I can't change it and frankly wouldn't want it any other way now. My choice is to dwell on it and miss out on my life or to deal as best I can and keep going. 

The completion of the divorce is the final step to shut the door on that chapter in my life, I will say I did expect to feel sad signing off on those papers, but I can't say I did, all I felt was a wave of relief. I think the difference is this: I am 100% certain I do not want to be with my ex, I hold no bitterness towards him, I’m not angry with him either nor do I regret walking away - I am simply indifferent about it all now. 

I believe strongly that my decision at 11years old is the right one for me, it is done and I’ve moved on, the sooner the door shuts, the better.  

How am I doing so well?

It’s a good question, and in honesty one I have asked of myself regularly lately – a bit like pinching yourself to check you’re not dreaming…! It is fast, from the outside looking in I know people around me are equally surprised by my progress and positive aura I am bouncing around with. What I feel I should share with you is that my circumstances in the run up to the adultery are unique and with the background it may be easier to understand how I have reached where I have in the time I have.

The big revelation which has come to light over the course of the last 8 weeks is that I haven’t really lost anything and most significantly – I genuinely do not miss him anymore. For quite some time there was only me investing anything into our marriage. It’s quite shocking to realise, and was actually the most painful part of the process to date however, the realisation came quickly and has certainly helped me come to terms with the end of my marriage quickly, draw a line under it and make strides moving on and living my life.

The circumstances, in brief are as follows: it was only a couple of months following my wedding when my stbex husband fell ill. He was poorly for a year and then spent the second year unable to accept that he was in fact better (partly denial, partly fear he would get sick again and looking back - sooo enjoyed the attention) he was signed off to return to work full time and he then descended into a deep depression (or so he led me to believe) which was equally debilitating and more of a challenge for me than his physical illness had been. I absolutely grafted my butt off in those two years. Not only did I work 15-20 odd hours a day to cover the absence of his salary and keep the roof over our head, I also became his full time carer/wife/housekeeper. Everything at home, or in general to do with our lives was on me – he literally did nothing but lean on me for more – be it support, my time or my money. I even left my dream job because I couldn’t give the company what they needed from me because I was so tied with my responsibility at home. Family comes first for me, before anything else, it was an excruciatingly difficult to leave my job but I reassured myself it was only temporary and that when he was better, he would absolutely support me to get back to where I had reached so it would be fine.

If I was to find myself in a similar situation in the future, I would do nothing differently – I was his wife, “in sickness”, “for poorer” and “worse” and I was determined to keep my promises, that’s just how I work. What I never anticipated was that there would be no “health”, “richer” or “better” – let’s face it, that was what I was working so hard for! In January this year he returned to work. I threw him a lovely surprise birthday party just before, so we could have an evening to celebrate, not only his birthday, but that we had got through the worst two years of our lives and could look forward. After 3 weeks at work (just to be sure he was coping first) I asked him to pick up some of the work at home e.g. take the rubbish out, empty/load the dishwasher and wash his own clothes. With a distinct air of reluctance he did occasionally help out. Gradually I upped my expectations of him and let him know now was the time for me to start getting my life back on track too.

I started focussing on my career again, I was invited back to my dream job (in a better position which is fab!!) and went about rebuilding the friendships I had neglected over the years he was ill. I had simply not had the time or freedom to meet up with them - I even missed my best friends hen as he was unwell that weekend and asked if I would stay at home instead, (big regret)! I felt I was getting back to me, I worked hard on my goal plans and ambitions with the support of a great coach, put to rest some inhibitors I had carried around from my past and started to feel very excited about my potential, our lives and the future. The only dampener on my spirits was that I still didn’t feel things were right in our relationship. I desperately wanted him to see the positives too and start enjoying life again, he would say “your so amazing, I love you so much, you’re too good for me, I don’t know why you love me” and “I don’t know what I would do if you ever left me” – I would of course reassure him I wasn’t going anywhere and that I would never have married him if I didn’t love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him – taking on all that comes with that, but now was the time to put all the struggles behind us and enjoy life and so asked him to “please try and pull yourself out of this”. I remember I quietly made excuse after excuse to myself for his behaviour thereafter, making myself believe things would get better – he would make the effort, if not for himself, for me. It never crossed my mind to give up…

Two months later, he checked out of our marriage, his responsibilities and broke every single promise he had made to me. His excuse “I do love you but I'm not good enough for you, I never will be and you would have left me eventually anyway”. I don’t doubt that he did love me, he may still in his own way but for me, if you love someone you give it your all – that he definitely did not.

The first month was awful, I don’t need to describe it – if you have been through it/are going through it – you will know. Historically I have always worried about what might happen. For me, in March 2012 – the worst thing I could ever imagine happen to me, happened. What surprised me more though was what happened next. I was quickly in receipt of the most overwhelming influx of love and support from all around me, family, friends (+ his friends), colleagues and even acquaintances. Without this I wouldn’t have made it this far, but they made it their mission (particularly my family and 4 best friends) to keep me on my feet and listened to me as I talked my way through it all and reach the conclusion I have.

The beginning of May was my fresh start. My mum asked me to promise her two things:
1) Take hold of every opportunity open to me and go for it – be that going out with friends, travelling, work related or anything basically! &
2) To be open to the possibility of love again.
....I said I would, albeit reluctantly to the second!

I am a girl who keeps her promises...and into May I went. I re-joined my company and was clear on my career plan and more determined than ever to succeed, I have been out and about every night and weekend bar for one evening, saying yes to every opportunity presented to me. I have worked my butt off, spent time with all of my friends and family, laughed until my stomach ached regularly, worn fancy dress more times in this last month than I have in my lifetime and I have enjoyed every single minute. It has been one of the all time best months of my life and I am sure that June and many months to follow will be no different...how exciting!

So what have I lost? How happy would I have been even? Would I ever have had the love, support and companionship I gave to him in return? Is this not just a very lucky escape from a lifetime of giving it all and having nothing to show for it?

If I had to describe how I feel about the end of my marriage, I can confidently say at this point I am relieved…

I have a second chance, relatively young, without children caught up in it, at a time when every other part of my life is great...I think this is quite possibly a gift; packaged terribly and not one I would welcome again(!)  but by unwrapping it, I have learnt a huge amount about myself and what makes me happy.

Above all, I know who I am now and what I want out of my life. Despite my initial reluctance, I am open to love again...I am open to allowing someone new, who deserves me, to share my life. A person who will raise my standards and theirs, make me laugh, support me unconditionally and love every bone in my body. A man who will stand by me, give as good as he gets and will never ever take me for granted...

This time, there will be no excuses, I deserve nothing less.