So it turns out I am not able to remain a happy bunny 100% of the time, I am disappointed by this but not so naïve as to have not anticipated a dip at some point. What caught me off guard was that it was the eve of my birthday when it happened. That I would never have guessed.
After a brilliant weekend with my lovely party and my best mates to stay, I was a very happy (admittedly very hangover) bunny. I went to work on Monday as usual and had a reasonable day…it was only as I was on the train home that I was beginning to feel grumpy, I started to think about why – was it just that my party was over and having so looked forward to it, was this just a bit of deflation now it had passed, possible. I also had to do my week shop at the supermarket as hadn’t had the time at the weekend and it’s really not something I enjoy so maybe that was adding to it. In addition I was rushing home to meet a workman coming to give me a quote at the house who then cancelled (when I was more than half way home) for the 2nd time – yes that definitely added to it (!!) and I was (am) also very tired. Despite all of this, I didn’t think I had got to the bottom of it.
When I got home from my shop, I walked into my living room and looked at my fireplace, on top stood a stack of birthday cards yet to be opened and some presents ready for tomorrow. I had the initial elation of excitement…’Oooo I can open all of those tomorrow’…and then it hit me…’alone’. This would be the first birthday of the 28 I’ve had where I will sit and open my cards and presents on my own. I am on my own. In that very moment I felt the loneliest I have ever in my life felt. I promptly burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I then got the wine out and cried some more! I was actually still pouring out the tears when the clock passed midnight and it was my birthday. Now I was crying on my birthday, another first! With that not so positive realisation I crawled into bed only to wake up at 4am with a pounding headache and the obligatory puffed eyes. Brilliant.
I did open my cards and presents on my own, and no, I didn’t feel any better about it but I was lucky to receive some beautiful gifts and really lovely cards – particularly the words written inside which made me cry again – at least happy, heartwarmed tears this time, and once I had pulled myself together, off to work I went.
I rang my best mate whilst driving home in the evening and admitted to her how awful I felt and that I thought it might be because I was lonely. I wasn’t sure how she would respond, maybe tell me to stop being ridiculous and enjoy my birthday and that I’m not on my own etc, but no, she just simply said “yeah that sucks, I’d be crushed by that too” & “don’t take this the wrong way but I am so pleased you are normal, you are a human being and do need to cry, you’ve been hurt terribly and as much as you are better off out and have no feelings for him now – he still really f*cking did one on you and the ripple effect of that is by far from over” Probably shouldn’t have rang her whilst I was driving, could’ve done with some wipers for my eyes!
Feeling a bit better today though, emotionally bruised and exhausted but better. Guess there are going to be more surprises along this road than I thought, but then you have to have the lows to appreciate the highs right? What I do need is a new plan for me; goals to really focus on for the next 12 months and get my motivation levels back up and make sure this dip doesn’t become a canyon!
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