The Reality is Anger & Hurt

Let’s look underneath the positive spin and strategy I have tried to employ for the last 4 months at the real reality of my situation. My husband who I gave everything to and loved to pieces cheated on me with 3 different women in one month after I had spent two years following our wedding, working my butt off to support him and keep a roof over our head whilst he was sick. This wasn’t “I’ve fallen for someone else, I'm sorry” this was reckless, selfish and despicable – he just did not give a damn.

I really believed in love and marriage. I am naturally a very trusting person but this has literally pulled my world apart. I do not love him anymore, some might say you can’t just turn that off, but I can assure you I do not. It’s not the loss of him that is the issue it is the loss of the life I built and what that has meant going forward. It has completely ruined my ability to trust people and I mean everyone. I do not even trust my best friend at the moment and that is a horrible place to be. 

Everything I worked for over the last 6 years is irrelevant, the plans I had don’t apply – at least not in the timeline I had for them and I honestly don’t know if I want those things anymore. I am suspicious of people, paranoid of others behaviour and second guess everything twice. I struggle to make a decision let alone trust I have made the right one.  

Every day I am working to put myself back on my feet but it seems there is always a new hurdle. I have tried to open myself to new possibilities but I’m not at all sure I am brave enough to see them through. I am more fragile now that I have been in my lifetime and I hate that. 

I am angry, incredibly hurt and very lost –  I realise this isn’t going to ease quickly despite my determination to keep going. It has definitely made my standards for others higher, I’m not going to apologise for that. I didn’t deserve this and I will not allow myself to be obliterated like that again so to play a part in my life going forward it has to be earned by actions, which speak a whole lot louder than words.