If I was to have a funeral for my marriage

Would I be able to speak at it, probably not. Would I want to attend, absolutely.

I don’t think it is right to say I like funerals but I like the fact we have them. It is a great form of closure in part, albeit soon after the loss, but it allows you to reflect, in some ways accept the loss and moreover celebrate the existence of the person no longer with us. Most importantly, it is the opportunity to say our goodbyes. It is, in my mind, a crucial stage of the dealing and healing process.

I loved my husband there is no question, I also loved my marriage. I was in love with the plans we had and whilst there was always uncertainty – I was always excited about the future. What I had was far from perfect, but it was mine and I invested in it. Now it is gone and it went in a second.

My marriage ended via sms, since receiving that text I have spent less than an hour in the presence of my husband and less than an hour more communicating with him in any way. He is effectively entirely absent from my world. I went from living as part of a unit, with my husband, lover and best friend to nothing in under an hour. Now, 6 months on, I am starting to feel the grief for that loss. I recognise this as the anger has passed, the distractions I had furiously whipped up have lost their strength in the battle to block the loss from my mind and now it is very much in my conscious.

There is no opportunity to gather together and talk fondly of my husband and the time we shared. There is no celebration of the life we had or reflection on the happy times. He is nigh on never spoken of now, and when he is it is never in a positive tone. I can’t change this as his actions have redefined him – people do not think of him as the man he was when we married. That person is gone. I never had the opportunity to say goodbye.

It has been suggested I should have a divorce party once it is final, celebrate my new life and have a good time. Honestly, I would rather have a funeral.

New Experiences of my New Life

I have had the most exciting 6 weeks to date, speaking today from where I am sitting – I do not regret a single moment . You will never learn anything about yourself unless you try new things and challenge yourself. .. The two phrases that run through my mind today are these: “Imagine what you could achieve if only you tried” & “I don’t know what the future holds but I know who holds my future”

The first, as I have tried all sorts of things; a new living arrangement which has worked out spectacularly well, a new job – we are a few weeks in but it’s looking good to close my first deal before month end (so exciting) and a new business which could hold the key to a wonderful future. New friends – many of whom will be lifelong I’m sure and I have even dated – a step that was critical to take and thoroughly enjoyable. I am only at the start of what I am capable of achieving and the life I will go on to lead and I intend to keep trying, investing and stretching myself…I don’t know what my future holds but I know who holds my future…ME!

The current running under all of these aspects is my confidence in my own mind, instinct and ability to make the right decisions for me. To be able to trust your own gut is an ability that shouldn’t be taken lightly – besides, I will make mistakes, every human does – they may as well be my own it is the only way I will learn!

Following your gut allows you the confidence to speak your own mind, communicate your position and be confident of what you are saying. It takes time to be able to do this as standard. Sometimes you will hold back, I have and it hasn’t helped me in the slightest. I have kept quiet when I should’ve asked the questions; I’ve kept a guard when I should’ve expressed myself fully in actions as well as words. I do not see these as regrets I see this as learning about me. When you do lay it out as you feel it, you may not reach/experience the outcome you hope for, it may even hurt somewhat, but it will be the right outcome as you have been true to yourself, no point to living a lie my friends.

Living is about taking each day, some will be great some will be torturous but this is your life…live it. Feel the highs, feel the lows and have no regrets. No one can ask for more. My quote of the month is this……..

“I do not just want to live the length of my life; I want to live the breadth and depth out of it”

Up on my feet again…

With a little help from my friends and someone very special! I think I just needed a little bit of a reminder of what the reality of my situation(s) is and who I am. When there is so much going on – conflicts in work and personally with a real uncertainty of what is next, it is easy to become lost in that and overwhelmed by the stress/pressure of it all.

I am very fortunate to have some truly wonderful people in my life right now, a few of which as a direct result of the breakdown of my marriage and I can genuinely say my world is so much richer for it. I don’t know where I am going or what is next for me but as a little birdy said “you haven’t lost your identity, you’re a very strong girl and you should treat your new life as an adventure…see it as exciting!” and I have decided I will do just that – shutting down the fears and anger in my head and genuinely doing what feels right and makes me happy and let’s just see where I end up!

This month will be hard, but I know what will be, will be the right thing for me in the outcome and as for September, well that’s for another edition, another time…what I will say is it is incredibly exciting and I genuinely cannot wait!

Until next time………..

The Reality is Anger & Hurt

Let’s look underneath the positive spin and strategy I have tried to employ for the last 4 months at the real reality of my situation. My husband who I gave everything to and loved to pieces cheated on me with 3 different women in one month after I had spent two years following our wedding, working my butt off to support him and keep a roof over our head whilst he was sick. This wasn’t “I’ve fallen for someone else, I'm sorry” this was reckless, selfish and despicable – he just did not give a damn.

I really believed in love and marriage. I am naturally a very trusting person but this has literally pulled my world apart. I do not love him anymore, some might say you can’t just turn that off, but I can assure you I do not. It’s not the loss of him that is the issue it is the loss of the life I built and what that has meant going forward. It has completely ruined my ability to trust people and I mean everyone. I do not even trust my best friend at the moment and that is a horrible place to be. 

Everything I worked for over the last 6 years is irrelevant, the plans I had don’t apply – at least not in the timeline I had for them and I honestly don’t know if I want those things anymore. I am suspicious of people, paranoid of others behaviour and second guess everything twice. I struggle to make a decision let alone trust I have made the right one.  

Every day I am working to put myself back on my feet but it seems there is always a new hurdle. I have tried to open myself to new possibilities but I’m not at all sure I am brave enough to see them through. I am more fragile now that I have been in my lifetime and I hate that. 

I am angry, incredibly hurt and very lost –  I realise this isn’t going to ease quickly despite my determination to keep going. It has definitely made my standards for others higher, I’m not going to apologise for that. I didn’t deserve this and I will not allow myself to be obliterated like that again so to play a part in my life going forward it has to be earned by actions, which speak a whole lot louder than words.

First day of my future...

So a weekend of change is looming…a change for the better I hope!

Tomorrow marks the day my new flatmate moves in. I haven’t shared a home (bar for with the ex) since I was at Uni so whilst I know I am quite easy going I am sure this will be some adjustment! I am really looking forward to it, not only for the company she will provide (I am not a fan of living alone!) but because I see it as an opportunity to settle down now and get my life back in order. 

It is 3 months to the day today from when I received that delightful text that turned my world upside down and boy, it has been somewhat of a roller coaster ever since. All the organisation and planning that normally runs through my life has been non-existent, I have simply lived. Not that this was a bad thing, I have had some truly excellent times and really good memories from throwing caution to the wind and getting out there and involved – I still have plans in the coming months that I said yes to in my “do not say no to anything” month which I am looking forward to. The flip side is everything else; jobs at home/chores, financial planning, sending birthday cards etc and even work to some extent, have just been things I’ve had to do when they become urgent. I haven’t completed anything to my usual standard and the gradual accumulation of last minute.com efforts has resulted in a lasting feeling anxiety, which is only growing day by day. 

For my housemate to move in I have to move out of the “big” bedroom, into the box room – or as is now termed “diddy blue room”, my new space, all to myself (+ the cats). I have put a lot of effort into this room, getting it right so despite the size, it will work for me and I will feel comfortable, calm and most of all, secure staying in it. I have had a bed/platform type thing built to my design which has a huge amount of storage concealed underneath. Shelving and new plug sockets built around it and bought a wardrobe/drawer unit to slot in the remaining space. The walls are baby blue in colour, with the furniture and everything else white. The middle door on the wardrobe is a full length mirror and I have some original Winnie the Pooh sketches in frames (21st birthday present) to hang on the wall. It will, when finished tonight, look beautiful. Tomorrow I will move all my things into it, put my photos up on the shelves and organise my wardrobe. I really feel I will be happy once I am in and hopefully sleep like a baby tomorrow night! 

So once the diddy blue room and I are acquainted and my flatmate is in and settled I have a serious project to complete. I need a week, month, 12 month, 3 year plan written for me. I intend to write this as though there will only be me to consider in the next 3 years – this is not because I expect to be ‘single’ for all the 3 years, I don’t – it is to ensure I don’t lose sight of what is important to me and what I want to achieve out of my life. I think perhaps, well I know(!) I lost this when I married my ex, maybe even before that. With hindsight, a lot of the decisions I have made were more weighted towards not what would be best for me or even “us” but for him. I wasn’t happy in my marriage for the last year and this was largely because I had lost my way. I had even perhaps changed as a person somewhat. The pressures of life, debt and his illness and dependency really ate away at me. I spent no time doing anything for me, in fact nothing was about me and how I felt or what I might like. That shouldn’t have happened – I should have prioritised myself more, which I did in the latter months and the ex checked out (no bad thing) but by doing so, I again lost my footing. Of everything that has happened, the only emotion I have not yet shed attached to it all is anger at myself for allowing him to have such control/influence over me. I will not allow this to happen again and I think by having a defined goal/ambition plan I can check myself against this down the road of my new relationship(s) and keep myself true to me.

So peeps, a planning weekend - this is actually the most exciting bit, I love planning and printing out my charts etc. Such a geek! I may even go crazy and frame the 3 year one on my wall in the diddy blue room just to keep myself focused every morning! I have no idea what I am going to put in this plan though - its a big white sheet of paper where actually, for the first time in my life, ANYTHING is possible...what an incredible place to be!