She’s my 4 year old goddaughter who I love the bones of. It was only a matter of time before she started asking questions. It’s been over 6 months now and she’s only seen me and not the ex. Of course at the time she was told by Mummy he wouldn't be around anymore as he had “been naughty” and had upset her daddy and auntie Lacey and, as a four year old does, she just got on with it and seemingly forgot about him…
Until…timing perfect as always, just she and I in the car and clearly she’d been looking at my hand whilst I was driving and noticed my engagement/wedding band were not there anymore. I should have been prepared for this one and maybe even compared notes with Mum and Dad in advance so I could make sure I was following their lead but she had cornered me; in the car, 5 minutes into a 2.5 hour car trip, on my own – I was going to have to answer this one.
“I don’t wear them anymore as I am not married now. When you get married you make promises to the person you marry which are very important. Unfortunately uncle ex was not able to keep his promises any more so that means our marriage is now over”
“Oh! that was very naughty you should never break your promises. You should always keep your promises, I always keep my promises… Are you sad?”
“A bit yes. Marriage is supposed to be forever, so it was sad for me when it ended before forever. You don’t need to worry though as I’m not very sad anymore and it’s always ok to talk about it – I will always answer your questions and it will not upset me ok?”
“ok”…(minutes silence)…“Auntie Lacey”
“Yes poppet?”
“I married my rabbit but HE didn’t keep his pinky promise and did not treat me like a princess anymore so now my marriage is over”
“Is that right?”
“Yes, but I’m going to find a new better prince so it will all be ok. You deserve a prince who treats you like a princess - I will find one for you to marry.”
“Well that would be lovely, thank you”
“I’m going to have a marriage like a short movie, just for a day, I think that’s enough don’t you?”
“In some cases, possibly, if it’s a really good movie”
“ok good, that’s sorted then….I would like to go to Disneyland please”
“Oh would you now?” and so ensued a conversation about all things Disney.
No mention of it again, no more questions nothing. Back in the car, two days later, Taylor Swift comes on the radio…
“Oooo like you and Uncle ex!” she exclaimed and proceeded to belt out at the top of her voice “are never ever ever getting back together…” over, and over, and over.
I have to say I could do nothing but laugh. I think she gets it.
Sunday, 11 November 2012
Thursday, 8 November 2012
If I was to have a funeral for my marriage
Would I be able to speak at it, probably not. Would I want to attend, absolutely.
I don’t think it is right to say I like funerals but I like the fact we have them. It is a great form of closure in part, albeit soon after the loss, but it allows you to reflect, in some ways accept the loss and moreover celebrate the existence of the person no longer with us. Most importantly, it is the opportunity to say our goodbyes. It is, in my mind, a crucial stage of the dealing and healing process.
I loved my husband there is no question, I also loved my marriage. I was in love with the plans we had and whilst there was always uncertainty – I was always excited about the future. What I had was far from perfect, but it was mine and I invested in it. Now it is gone and it went in a second.
My marriage ended via sms, since receiving that text I have spent less than an hour in the presence of my husband and less than an hour more communicating with him in any way. He is effectively entirely absent from my world. I went from living as part of a unit, with my husband, lover and best friend to nothing in under an hour. Now, 6 months on, I am starting to feel the grief for that loss. I recognise this as the anger has passed, the distractions I had furiously whipped up have lost their strength in the battle to block the loss from my mind and now it is very much in my conscious.
There is no opportunity to gather together and talk fondly of my husband and the time we shared. There is no celebration of the life we had or reflection on the happy times. He is nigh on never spoken of now, and when he is it is never in a positive tone. I can’t change this as his actions have redefined him – people do not think of him as the man he was when we married. That person is gone. I never had the opportunity to say goodbye.
It has been suggested I should have a divorce party once it is final, celebrate my new life and have a good time. Honestly, I would rather have a funeral.
I don’t think it is right to say I like funerals but I like the fact we have them. It is a great form of closure in part, albeit soon after the loss, but it allows you to reflect, in some ways accept the loss and moreover celebrate the existence of the person no longer with us. Most importantly, it is the opportunity to say our goodbyes. It is, in my mind, a crucial stage of the dealing and healing process.
I loved my husband there is no question, I also loved my marriage. I was in love with the plans we had and whilst there was always uncertainty – I was always excited about the future. What I had was far from perfect, but it was mine and I invested in it. Now it is gone and it went in a second.
My marriage ended via sms, since receiving that text I have spent less than an hour in the presence of my husband and less than an hour more communicating with him in any way. He is effectively entirely absent from my world. I went from living as part of a unit, with my husband, lover and best friend to nothing in under an hour. Now, 6 months on, I am starting to feel the grief for that loss. I recognise this as the anger has passed, the distractions I had furiously whipped up have lost their strength in the battle to block the loss from my mind and now it is very much in my conscious.
There is no opportunity to gather together and talk fondly of my husband and the time we shared. There is no celebration of the life we had or reflection on the happy times. He is nigh on never spoken of now, and when he is it is never in a positive tone. I can’t change this as his actions have redefined him – people do not think of him as the man he was when we married. That person is gone. I never had the opportunity to say goodbye.
It has been suggested I should have a divorce party once it is final, celebrate my new life and have a good time. Honestly, I would rather have a funeral.
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