If I was to have a funeral for my marriage

Would I be able to speak at it, probably not. Would I want to attend, absolutely.

I don’t think it is right to say I like funerals but I like the fact we have them. It is a great form of closure in part, albeit soon after the loss, but it allows you to reflect, in some ways accept the loss and moreover celebrate the existence of the person no longer with us. Most importantly, it is the opportunity to say our goodbyes. It is, in my mind, a crucial stage of the dealing and healing process.

I loved my husband there is no question, I also loved my marriage. I was in love with the plans we had and whilst there was always uncertainty – I was always excited about the future. What I had was far from perfect, but it was mine and I invested in it. Now it is gone and it went in a second.

My marriage ended via sms, since receiving that text I have spent less than an hour in the presence of my husband and less than an hour more communicating with him in any way. He is effectively entirely absent from my world. I went from living as part of a unit, with my husband, lover and best friend to nothing in under an hour. Now, 6 months on, I am starting to feel the grief for that loss. I recognise this as the anger has passed, the distractions I had furiously whipped up have lost their strength in the battle to block the loss from my mind and now it is very much in my conscious.

There is no opportunity to gather together and talk fondly of my husband and the time we shared. There is no celebration of the life we had or reflection on the happy times. He is nigh on never spoken of now, and when he is it is never in a positive tone. I can’t change this as his actions have redefined him – people do not think of him as the man he was when we married. That person is gone. I never had the opportunity to say goodbye.

It has been suggested I should have a divorce party once it is final, celebrate my new life and have a good time. Honestly, I would rather have a funeral.