The Reality is Anger & Hurt

Let’s look underneath the positive spin and strategy I have tried to employ for the last 4 months at the real reality of my situation. My husband who I gave everything to and loved to pieces cheated on me with 3 different women in one month after I had spent two years following our wedding, working my butt off to support him and keep a roof over our head whilst he was sick. This wasn’t “I’ve fallen for someone else, I'm sorry” this was reckless, selfish and despicable – he just did not give a damn.

I really believed in love and marriage. I am naturally a very trusting person but this has literally pulled my world apart. I do not love him anymore, some might say you can’t just turn that off, but I can assure you I do not. It’s not the loss of him that is the issue it is the loss of the life I built and what that has meant going forward. It has completely ruined my ability to trust people and I mean everyone. I do not even trust my best friend at the moment and that is a horrible place to be. 

Everything I worked for over the last 6 years is irrelevant, the plans I had don’t apply – at least not in the timeline I had for them and I honestly don’t know if I want those things anymore. I am suspicious of people, paranoid of others behaviour and second guess everything twice. I struggle to make a decision let alone trust I have made the right one.  

Every day I am working to put myself back on my feet but it seems there is always a new hurdle. I have tried to open myself to new possibilities but I’m not at all sure I am brave enough to see them through. I am more fragile now that I have been in my lifetime and I hate that. 

I am angry, incredibly hurt and very lost –  I realise this isn’t going to ease quickly despite my determination to keep going. It has definitely made my standards for others higher, I’m not going to apologise for that. I didn’t deserve this and I will not allow myself to be obliterated like that again so to play a part in my life going forward it has to be earned by actions, which speak a whole lot louder than words.

First day of my future...

So a weekend of change is looming…a change for the better I hope!

Tomorrow marks the day my new flatmate moves in. I haven’t shared a home (bar for with the ex) since I was at Uni so whilst I know I am quite easy going I am sure this will be some adjustment! I am really looking forward to it, not only for the company she will provide (I am not a fan of living alone!) but because I see it as an opportunity to settle down now and get my life back in order. 

It is 3 months to the day today from when I received that delightful text that turned my world upside down and boy, it has been somewhat of a roller coaster ever since. All the organisation and planning that normally runs through my life has been non-existent, I have simply lived. Not that this was a bad thing, I have had some truly excellent times and really good memories from throwing caution to the wind and getting out there and involved – I still have plans in the coming months that I said yes to in my “do not say no to anything” month which I am looking forward to. The flip side is everything else; jobs at home/chores, financial planning, sending birthday cards etc and even work to some extent, have just been things I’ve had to do when they become urgent. I haven’t completed anything to my usual standard and the gradual accumulation of last minute.com efforts has resulted in a lasting feeling anxiety, which is only growing day by day. 

For my housemate to move in I have to move out of the “big” bedroom, into the box room – or as is now termed “diddy blue room”, my new space, all to myself (+ the cats). I have put a lot of effort into this room, getting it right so despite the size, it will work for me and I will feel comfortable, calm and most of all, secure staying in it. I have had a bed/platform type thing built to my design which has a huge amount of storage concealed underneath. Shelving and new plug sockets built around it and bought a wardrobe/drawer unit to slot in the remaining space. The walls are baby blue in colour, with the furniture and everything else white. The middle door on the wardrobe is a full length mirror and I have some original Winnie the Pooh sketches in frames (21st birthday present) to hang on the wall. It will, when finished tonight, look beautiful. Tomorrow I will move all my things into it, put my photos up on the shelves and organise my wardrobe. I really feel I will be happy once I am in and hopefully sleep like a baby tomorrow night! 

So once the diddy blue room and I are acquainted and my flatmate is in and settled I have a serious project to complete. I need a week, month, 12 month, 3 year plan written for me. I intend to write this as though there will only be me to consider in the next 3 years – this is not because I expect to be ‘single’ for all the 3 years, I don’t – it is to ensure I don’t lose sight of what is important to me and what I want to achieve out of my life. I think perhaps, well I know(!) I lost this when I married my ex, maybe even before that. With hindsight, a lot of the decisions I have made were more weighted towards not what would be best for me or even “us” but for him. I wasn’t happy in my marriage for the last year and this was largely because I had lost my way. I had even perhaps changed as a person somewhat. The pressures of life, debt and his illness and dependency really ate away at me. I spent no time doing anything for me, in fact nothing was about me and how I felt or what I might like. That shouldn’t have happened – I should have prioritised myself more, which I did in the latter months and the ex checked out (no bad thing) but by doing so, I again lost my footing. Of everything that has happened, the only emotion I have not yet shed attached to it all is anger at myself for allowing him to have such control/influence over me. I will not allow this to happen again and I think by having a defined goal/ambition plan I can check myself against this down the road of my new relationship(s) and keep myself true to me.

So peeps, a planning weekend - this is actually the most exciting bit, I love planning and printing out my charts etc. Such a geek! I may even go crazy and frame the 3 year one on my wall in the diddy blue room just to keep myself focused every morning! I have no idea what I am going to put in this plan though - its a big white sheet of paper where actually, for the first time in my life, ANYTHING is possible...what an incredible place to be!

A dip with a lot of tears...

So it turns out I am not able to remain a happy bunny 100% of the time, I am disappointed by this but not so naïve as to have not anticipated a dip at some point. What caught me off guard was that it was the eve of my birthday when it happened. That I would never have guessed.

After a brilliant weekend with my lovely party and my best mates to stay, I was a very happy (admittedly very hangover) bunny. I went to work on Monday as usual and had a reasonable day…it was only as I was on the train home that I was beginning to feel grumpy, I started to think about why – was it just that my party was over and having so looked forward to it, was this just a bit of deflation now it had passed, possible. I also had to do my week shop at the supermarket as hadn’t had the time at the weekend and it’s really not something I enjoy so maybe that was adding to it. In addition I was rushing home to meet a workman coming to give me a quote at the house who then cancelled (when I was more than half way home) for the 2nd time – yes that definitely added to it (!!) and I was (am) also very tired. Despite all of this, I didn’t think I had got to the bottom of it.

When I got home from my shop, I walked into my living room and looked at my fireplace, on top stood a stack of birthday cards yet to be opened and some presents ready for tomorrow. I had the initial elation of excitement…’Oooo I can open all of those tomorrow’…and then it hit me…’alone’. This would be the first birthday of the 28 I’ve had where I will sit and open my cards and presents on my own. I am on my own. In that very moment I felt the loneliest I have ever in my life felt. I promptly burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I then got the wine out and cried some more! I was actually still pouring out the tears when the clock passed midnight and it was my birthday. Now I was crying on my birthday, another first! With that not so positive realisation I crawled into bed only to wake up at 4am with a pounding headache and the obligatory puffed eyes. Brilliant.

I did open my cards and presents on my own, and no, I didn’t feel any better about it but I was lucky to receive some beautiful gifts and really lovely cards – particularly the words written inside which made me cry again – at least happy, heartwarmed tears this time, and once I had pulled myself together, off to work I went.

I rang my best mate whilst driving home in the evening and admitted to her how awful I felt and that I thought it might be because I was lonely. I wasn’t sure how she would respond, maybe tell me to stop being ridiculous and enjoy my birthday and that I’m not on my own etc, but no, she just simply said “yeah that sucks, I’d be crushed by that too” & “don’t take this the wrong way but I am so pleased you are normal, you are a human being and do need to cry, you’ve been hurt terribly and as much as you are better off out and have no feelings for him now – he still really f*cking did one on you and the ripple effect of that is by far from over” Probably shouldn’t have rang her whilst I was driving, could’ve done with some wipers for my eyes!

Feeling a bit better today though, emotionally bruised and exhausted but better. Guess there are going to be more surprises along this road than I thought, but then you have to have the lows to appreciate the highs right? What I do need is a new plan for me; goals to really focus on for the next 12 months and get my motivation levels back up and make sure this dip doesn’t become a canyon!

Confidence, strength and happiness

Throughout my life I have always had goals of some description – to be fair I can think of at least 5 I worked towards tirelessly and then as I neared them realised it really wasn't what I wanted and so consequently set off on a new trajectory! As frustrating as it felt at the time(s) – I wouldn't change a thing. I have learnt some very important lessons by living my life, it’s made me who I am at the end of the day and as I sit here now, that’s a great place to be.

Back in December last year I was really feeling the despair of not really knowing what I wanted or where I was going. I had made choices in the recent months to allow myself to cope with all I had to manage at the time but it had meant I had walked away from a career path/company I had really bought into when I joined. It was a necessity to take the steps I did but that didn’t help me when the New Year was looming and I had no idea what it was going to hold, nor a plan round what I was going to achieve in 2012. Those who know me know I need plans or objectives to function. For me to get the most out of life and perform at the best of my abilities (without being obsessive about it) I require a plan or outline to use as a platform. The last part of 2011 I was treading water and frankly, just the fact I was doing that without a plan was drowning me!

I read an article in a magazine about “Life Coaching”, it got me thinking – maybe I need some support to identify what I want. Perhaps I should invest in myself for a change. I have to admit I was sceptical – I didn’t enter into it with any real confidence it would be the answer to my needs but I was open to the possibility it might help. I did my research and selected a coach I felt some affinity to the profile of. I made the call and was overwhelmed by the positivity and enthusiasm of the coach I didn’t hesitate to book an initial session. There is something hugely attractive to me being around positive people – if nothing else maybe I could capture some of her enthusiasm and translate that into my life!

We met first in January and over the following 3 months covered all sorts of topics. Not unlike my previous goal plans, each time we met I took the sessions off in a new direction! I have the utmost respect for my coach and her ability to keep up and remain engaged when I scupper all her planned activities for our session by introducing something off topic on each occasion! In any event it was/is exactly what I needed. With her support and employing her techniques I worked through and broke down a number of inhibiting behaviours I had adopted over the years. We identified limiting beliefs I had created as young as 13 and really wasn’t aware I was still so bound by and worked to rid myself of them. To the sceptics amongst my readers, talking of “limiting beliefs” etc. may be a bit much, but I hand on heart promise you every one of us has them and they can truly be a pain in the butt without you even realising it!

Come March I really felt I had my confidence back, I had a better idea of what made me tick and was able to outline the person I was and further who I wanted to be. We worked on defining my goals and attempting the armchair view. I had my fire back, well a small campfire, but the zest in me was there. I was motivated again. It was at this point I was approached to return to the company I had walked away from – the offer was a better position, broader possibilities for progression and I was the first choice before they went out to the market for candidates. It could not have come at a better time and I accepted without hesitation.

In April, the worst thing that could happen (as I viewed it before), happened. I was nothing short of devastated by my husbands betrayal and initially it genuinely felt like the world as I knew it had exploded and I was surrounded by debris – even the goals I had written were shredded and scattered around me. But, something interesting happened on the 4th day. I lay in bed, wide awake at 5am with eyes so sore and sunken I wasn’t sure I’d ever have a non-puffy face again and a thought popped into my head “You are worth so much more than this; you need to rely on you and get up. Do what you know works, make a plan. Put everything into that plan you would advise others to include and execute it. You can not remain in this state any longer” So…that is what I did. I started with a plan for the first week and it evolved from there. My best friend bought me a beautiful butterfly notebook and that became my little survival plan: My marriage is over – what happens next plan.

I started with the essentials: What do I need to know/do

• Work out your finances, where do you stand?
• Find a Lawyer so you can understand where you stand and what you need to do to obtain a divorce?
• Who do you need to tell about what’s happened (nearest and dearest etc.) & what message do you want to communicate
• Go to counselling asap and stick with it 
• What else I needed to do to make me feel in control of my life again
• What did I need to accomplish in the next 3 weeks so I can start my new job on form and in the right mind set

I have continued to evolve my survival plan and last weekend I realised I have reached a point where by the end of the first week of July all my objectives will be complete - aside from the divorce but that will come in time and is well under way its just a case of paperwork.

I am nearing the end of my counselling also really. When I went this week I learned I was experiencing “Posttraumatic Growth” – finally an explanation of how it is ok that I feel so happy despite that life changing explosion 3 months ago.

Definition:

“Posttraumatic growth refers to positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances. These sets of circumstances represent significant challenges to the adaptive resources of the individual, and pose significant challenges to individuals’ way of understanding the world and their place in it. Posttraumatic growth is not simply a return to baseline from a period of suffering; instead it is an experience of improvement that for some persons is deeply profound. Characteristics of Posttraumatic Growth include some of the following: greater appreciation of life, changed sense of priorities, warmer, more intimate relationships, greater sense of personal strength, and recognition of new possibilities or paths for one’s life and spiritual development.”

Now with the world of opportunity open to me and a blank canvas for my future, starting from a really positive place I need to create a new plan, what happens now I have survived and come out of it in a better position? What do I want? What will my armchair view look like? (A topic for the next entry….)

Without having completed that coaching in advance of April, I am certain I would not have been in as good a position to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on. It was extremely hard and I wouldn’t volunteer for it again, but I did it.

I will be forever grateful for having invested in myself and for the support and guidance from my wonderful coach and I am excited to work with her on my new life picture!!

Divorce petition filled at court...

This is a big step, it's very much real when you see those papers and give consent for them to be submitted to the court. I imagine for many this is a very painful part of the process. It is likely to be so for my ex when he is served with them - reality smacking you in the face is often when the bubble bursts!

I expected to feel something when it got to this point. I didn't enter into my marriage with any thought to it ending at any stage, no matter how difficult it may have ended up being. I have however (since the age of 11) maintained if a person cheats on me I am done - regardless of the circumstances or explanation but I never had him pegged for that - 'never in a million years' as they say so this was of no concern to me. 

I remember the day I made that commitment to myself; I was stood at the bottom of the stairwell at my secondary school waiting for my BFF before going up to our form room for registration. The "mean girl" gaggle approached, sniggering and whispering (they had this down to an art!), one of them walked towards me raising her shoulders, tilting her head slightly and flicking her hair over her shoulder as she teetered towards me in her 2+inch heels that she’d changed into on the school bus...I knew something was coming! I was never bullied at school after primary, I spent a lot of my childhood with boys through sport and had adopted their "do I give a cr*p attitude" and quick witted responses so it became too much effort for the mean girls to get at me and so they focused their efforts on 'weaker' prey, where they achieved their end goal of a reaction that in some way lessened their own insecurities, as bullies do! In any event, I remember feeling quite uneasy despite this. "X kissed your boyfriend in the bushes on Saturday (snigger) he's going to dump you today...(all snigger)...bet you weren't expecting that" - to my credit, I kept my shock inside and retorted with "if that's the case I wouldn't want him to be my boyfriend anyway!". It turned out he did in fact kiss a girl in the bushes and yes, he did dump me...the one and only time in my life I have been dumped and it hurt like hell! It's interesting now to think how I felt back then - I know it in detail as I have diaries for all my younger years and there are little spots of smudged ink where I had broken my 11yr old heart into it, writing about my pain and anguish...I was so rocked by that, so young as well! 

The day(s) I got the details from my ex of his indiscretions I once again broke my heart, my best friend says  I sounded like a wounded animal, that she has never heard a cry filled with so much pain before that weekend. It took over me though, the despair completely consumed me. Everything hurt and I just couldn't stop the tears! I love her for being with me those two days...I couldn't have let it out at my parents, whilst I was in shock and virtually emotionless the day I found out, my mum was not - she was (and still is) devastated by it and my dad, the angriest I have ever witnessed - not just for me and how awful it was for me, but because my parents had loved him as a son, they accepted him into our family and gave him the same support, love and nurturing as they did for me and my brother - he slapped them in the face with no regard, just as he had me. Now for them it is like he died that day, they haven't seen him nor heard from him he just disappeared from their lives.

My best friend (sister I never had) was on holiday. I hadn't planned to tell her until she got back the night after, no need to spoil her trip when she'd be home in a day. My ex however didn't give a thought to her being away and text her, before he text me, to tell her I would need her as he had cheated on me and he was about to tell me. She called as soon as she picked up the message but I told her I was fine and we’d sort it when she got back, I know she didn’t believe me but she didn’t have a choice, there were no earlier flights! The next evening I sat in my car on her drive waiting, refreshing the flight arrival schedule on my phone. Typically the plane was delayed! It was after 2am before they pulled up next to me. Immediately she got in my car and gave me the best hug I have ever had in my life and that’s when it all erupted. I struggled to breathe let alone speak and we sat there for a good hour before I felt I could stand and make it to the house. I cried all night on her sofa, I remember repeatedly telling her that it was over - recalling the memory of that stairwell 15 years previous; I had always said if I was cheated on, it was over, this was no different just on a much more dramatic scale!

It did hurt. I am conscious sometimes it may seem I didn’t care, that I am not bothered by the breakdown of my marriage or on-going divorce process. This is not the case. I did care, deeply. I am pained that I will be a divorcee and I don’t relish the process either but I can't change it and frankly wouldn't want it any other way now. My choice is to dwell on it and miss out on my life or to deal as best I can and keep going. 

The completion of the divorce is the final step to shut the door on that chapter in my life, I will say I did expect to feel sad signing off on those papers, but I can't say I did, all I felt was a wave of relief. I think the difference is this: I am 100% certain I do not want to be with my ex, I hold no bitterness towards him, I’m not angry with him either nor do I regret walking away - I am simply indifferent about it all now. 

I believe strongly that my decision at 11years old is the right one for me, it is done and I’ve moved on, the sooner the door shuts, the better.