I expected to feel something when it got to this point. I didn't enter into my marriage with any thought to it ending at any stage, no matter how difficult it may have ended up being. I have however (since the age of 11) maintained if a person cheats on me I am done - regardless of the circumstances or explanation but I never had him pegged for that - 'never in a million years' as they say so this was of no concern to me.
I remember the day I made that commitment to myself; I was stood at the bottom of the stairwell at my secondary school waiting for my BFF before going up to our form room for registration. The "mean girl" gaggle approached, sniggering and whispering (they had this down to an art!), one of them walked towards me raising her shoulders, tilting her head slightly and flicking her hair over her shoulder as she teetered towards me in her 2+inch heels that she’d changed into on the school bus...I knew something was coming! I was never bullied at school after primary, I spent a lot of my childhood with boys through sport and had adopted their "do I give a cr*p attitude" and quick witted responses so it became too much effort for the mean girls to get at me and so they focused their efforts on 'weaker' prey, where they achieved their end goal of a reaction that in some way lessened their own insecurities, as bullies do! In any event, I remember feeling quite uneasy despite this. "X kissed your boyfriend in the bushes on Saturday (snigger) he's going to dump you today...(all snigger)...bet you weren't expecting that" - to my credit, I kept my shock inside and retorted with "if that's the case I wouldn't want him to be my boyfriend anyway!". It turned out he did in fact kiss a girl in the bushes and yes, he did dump me...the one and only time in my life I have been dumped and it hurt like hell! It's interesting now to think how I felt back then - I know it in detail as I have diaries for all my younger years and there are little spots of smudged ink where I had broken my 11yr old heart into it, writing about my pain and anguish...I was so rocked by that, so young as well!
The day(s) I got the details from my ex of his indiscretions I once again broke my heart, my best friend says I sounded like a wounded animal, that she has never heard a cry filled with so much pain before that weekend. It took over me though, the despair completely consumed me. Everything hurt and I just couldn't stop the tears! I love her for being with me those two days...I couldn't have let it out at my parents, whilst I was in shock and virtually emotionless the day I found out, my mum was not - she was (and still is) devastated by it and my dad, the angriest I have ever witnessed - not just for me and how awful it was for me, but because my parents had loved him as a son, they accepted him into our family and gave him the same support, love and nurturing as they did for me and my brother - he slapped them in the face with no regard, just as he had me. Now for them it is like he died that day, they haven't seen him nor heard from him he just disappeared from their lives.
My best friend (sister I never had) was on holiday. I hadn't planned to tell her until she got back the night after, no need to spoil her trip when she'd be home in a day. My ex however didn't give a thought to her being away and text her, before he text me, to tell her I would need her as he had cheated on me and he was about to tell me. She called as soon as she picked up the message but I told her I was fine and we’d sort it when she got back, I know she didn’t believe me but she didn’t have a choice, there were no earlier flights! The next evening I sat in my car on her drive waiting, refreshing the flight arrival schedule on my phone. Typically the plane was delayed! It was after 2am before they pulled up next to me. Immediately she got in my car and gave me the best hug I have ever had in my life and that’s when it all erupted. I struggled to breathe let alone speak and we sat there for a good hour before I felt I could stand and make it to the house. I cried all night on her sofa, I remember repeatedly telling her that it was over - recalling the memory of that stairwell 15 years previous; I had always said if I was cheated on, it was over, this was no different just on a much more dramatic scale!
It did hurt. I am conscious sometimes it may seem I didn’t care, that I am not bothered by the breakdown of my marriage or on-going divorce process. This is not the case. I did care, deeply. I am pained that I will be a divorcee and I don’t relish the process either but I can't change it and frankly wouldn't want it any other way now. My choice is to dwell on it and miss out on my life or to deal as best I can and keep going.
The completion of the divorce is the final step to shut the door on that chapter in my life, I will say I did expect to feel sad signing off on those papers, but I can't say I did, all I felt was a wave of relief. I think the difference is this: I am 100% certain I do not want to be with my ex, I hold no bitterness towards him, I’m not angry with him either nor do I regret walking away - I am simply indifferent about it all now.
I believe strongly that my decision at 11years old is the right one for me, it is done and I’ve moved on, the sooner the door shuts, the better.
No comments:
Post a Comment