It’s a good question, and in honesty one I have asked of myself regularly lately – a bit like pinching yourself to check you’re not dreaming…! It is fast, from the outside looking in I know people around me are equally surprised by my progress and positive aura I am bouncing around with. What I feel I should share with you is that my circumstances in the run up to the adultery are unique and with the background it may be easier to understand how I have reached where I have in the time I have.
The big revelation which has come to light over the course of the last 8 weeks is that I haven’t really lost anything and most significantly – I genuinely do not miss him anymore. For quite some time there was only me investing anything into our marriage. It’s quite shocking to realise, and was actually the most painful part of the process to date however, the realisation came quickly and has certainly helped me come to terms with the end of my marriage quickly, draw a line under it and make strides moving on and living my life.
The circumstances, in brief are as follows: it was only a couple of months following my wedding when my stbex husband fell ill. He was poorly for a year and then spent the second year unable to accept that he was in fact better (partly denial, partly fear he would get sick again and looking back - sooo enjoyed the attention) he was signed off to return to work full time and he then descended into a deep depression (or so he led me to believe) which was equally debilitating and more of a challenge for me than his physical illness had been. I absolutely grafted my butt off in those two years. Not only did I work 15-20 odd hours a day to cover the absence of his salary and keep the roof over our head, I also became his full time carer/wife/housekeeper. Everything at home, or in general to do with our lives was on me – he literally did nothing but lean on me for more – be it support, my time or my money. I even left my dream job because I couldn’t give the company what they needed from me because I was so tied with my responsibility at home. Family comes first for me, before anything else, it was an excruciatingly difficult to leave my job but I reassured myself it was only temporary and that when he was better, he would absolutely support me to get back to where I had reached so it would be fine.
If I was to find myself in a similar situation in the future, I would do nothing differently – I was his wife, “in sickness”, “for poorer” and “worse” and I was determined to keep my promises, that’s just how I work. What I never anticipated was that there would be no “health”, “richer” or “better” – let’s face it, that was what I was working so hard for! In January this year he returned to work. I threw him a lovely surprise birthday party just before, so we could have an evening to celebrate, not only his birthday, but that we had got through the worst two years of our lives and could look forward. After 3 weeks at work (just to be sure he was coping first) I asked him to pick up some of the work at home e.g. take the rubbish out, empty/load the dishwasher and wash his own clothes. With a distinct air of reluctance he did occasionally help out. Gradually I upped my expectations of him and let him know now was the time for me to start getting my life back on track too.
I started focussing on my career again, I was invited back to my dream job (in a better position which is fab!!) and went about rebuilding the friendships I had neglected over the years he was ill. I had simply not had the time or freedom to meet up with them - I even missed my best friends hen as he was unwell that weekend and asked if I would stay at home instead, (big regret)! I felt I was getting back to me, I worked hard on my goal plans and ambitions with the support of a great coach, put to rest some inhibitors I had carried around from my past and started to feel very excited about my potential, our lives and the future. The only dampener on my spirits was that I still didn’t feel things were right in our relationship. I desperately wanted him to see the positives too and start enjoying life again, he would say “your so amazing, I love you so much, you’re too good for me, I don’t know why you love me” and “I don’t know what I would do if you ever left me” – I would of course reassure him I wasn’t going anywhere and that I would never have married him if I didn’t love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him – taking on all that comes with that, but now was the time to put all the struggles behind us and enjoy life and so asked him to “please try and pull yourself out of this”. I remember I quietly made excuse after excuse to myself for his behaviour thereafter, making myself believe things would get better – he would make the effort, if not for himself, for me. It never crossed my mind to give up…
Two months later, he checked out of our marriage, his responsibilities and broke every single promise he had made to me. His excuse “I do love you but I'm not good enough for you, I never will be and you would have left me eventually anyway”. I don’t doubt that he did love me, he may still in his own way but for me, if you love someone you give it your all – that he definitely did not.
The first month was awful, I don’t need to describe it – if you have been through it/are going through it – you will know. Historically I have always worried about what might happen. For me, in March 2012 – the worst thing I could ever imagine happen to me, happened. What surprised me more though was what happened next. I was quickly in receipt of the most overwhelming influx of love and support from all around me, family, friends (+ his friends), colleagues and even acquaintances. Without this I wouldn’t have made it this far, but they made it their mission (particularly my family and 4 best friends) to keep me on my feet and listened to me as I talked my way through it all and reach the conclusion I have.
The beginning of May was my fresh start. My mum asked me to promise her two things:
1) Take hold of every opportunity open to me and go for it – be that going out with friends, travelling, work related or anything basically! &
2) To be open to the possibility of love again.
....I said I would, albeit reluctantly to the second!
I am a girl who keeps her promises...and into May I went. I re-joined my company and was clear on my career plan and more determined than ever to succeed, I have been out and about every night and weekend bar for one evening, saying yes to every opportunity presented to me. I have worked my butt off, spent time with all of my friends and family, laughed until my stomach ached regularly, worn fancy dress more times in this last month than I have in my lifetime and I have enjoyed every single minute. It has been one of the all time best months of my life and I am sure that June and many months to follow will be no different...how exciting!
So what have I lost? How happy would I have been even? Would I ever have had the love, support and companionship I gave to him in return? Is this not just a very lucky escape from a lifetime of giving it all and having nothing to show for it?
If I had to describe how I feel about the end of my marriage, I can confidently say at this point I am relieved…
I have a second chance, relatively young, without children caught up in it, at a time when every other part of my life is great...I think this is quite possibly a gift; packaged terribly and not one I would welcome again(!) but by unwrapping it, I have learnt a huge amount about myself and what makes me happy.
Above all, I know who I am now and what I want out of my life. Despite my initial reluctance, I am open to love again...I am open to allowing someone new, who deserves me, to share my life. A person who will raise my standards and theirs, make me laugh, support me unconditionally and love every bone in my body. A man who will stand by me, give as good as he gets and will never ever take me for granted...
This time, there will be no excuses, I deserve nothing less.
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