What to expect in the first few weeks...

I wasn't sure what I would feel or how I would be day to day once the bomb went off, the first few days I cried a lot but this was also mixed with a tangible overriding feeling of anger. I spent hours physically shaking with pure rage and to be honest, this is exhausting! I think I got to a point where I would exhaust myself with the anger pulsating through me that I then would flip straight to tears and a feeling of utter weakness/exhaustion. The first weeks go SOO quickly whilst feeling like its moving at a snail’s pace. I didn't know what day it was most of the time and the most difficult times were when attempting simple tasks.

After the bomb was dropped (by SMS) and my husband made it clear he wasn't coming home to discuss/face it I rang my dad. If you'd asked me prior to this, who I would call under these circumstances I can absolutely swear I would not have said my parents. Ironic as in that moment, the only people I wanted to hear from was them. My dad just said "come home" so that's what I did, packed a holdall, got in my car and drove the 3hr trip home.

Whilst driving I made myself a few promises:

1. You will not let this get the better of you, there is a lot to live for and you will not drop the ball on the other areas of your life - you will be ok
2. Every day you will get up at the alarm, shower and put your make up on ready to face the world
3. You will eat 3 balanced meals a day

I found this exercise quite comforting and survived the drive by avoiding all music with a hint of heartbreak in the lyrics! Sometimes you can be openly grateful for the Disney compilation CD your god daughter left in the car!!

Now my promises 2&3 seem quite simple, these are normal activities. Ordinarily I can get up, shower, put a full face on, dry my hair, dress and leave the house in 45mins on a work day - I have it down to an art. Post bomb however, just simply completing no:2 took me up to 2 hours!! 

I couldn't think straight, I couldn't find anything, I couldn't remember what I normally did in what order. I couldn't decide what to wear; I lost extra minutes in the shower just standing there. It was really frustrating to go through and irritated me intensely - this is not difficult, you are only doing what you have done every morning for the past 10 years - why can't I function for goodness sake! But that was just it, I couldn't function, I couldn't process, I almost couldn't think about anything, my mind was in overdrive and yet completely blank. It's almost like when you open too many applications on an older laptop, you know it can run these applications individually but together it just enters into a whirring frozen state - you can see all the windows are open on the screen and the cursor flickers at you but nothing loads. Slowly one by one the status changes to "not responding" and now you have to shut everything down and start again. That's exactly what my mind was like for the first few weeks...not responding. 

How did I deal with it? Initially not very well…my inability to function really peeved me off – (may account for some of that rage experienced!) I think it was the third morning and I decided enough was enough. I sat down in my room and wrote a list/timetable for my morning routine: 

5:45 Alarm goes off
5:50 Get up and shower
6:05 Moisturize and feed cats
6:10 Put on make up, start with x etc
6:25 Blow dry hair
6:30 Dress

I made sure all my products were laid out in order of use, my clothes were selected and hung on wardrobe the night before and my towels always returned to the bathroom. The first day with the plan was better but the ones after – I was back in the groove. The plan was so prescriptive, I didn't have to think - it was all there, step by step instructions - I didn't even have to think about it. Heaven! One less thing to think about was a joy I can tell you!

No:3 was slightly harder to accomplish once I returned home from the comfort of my parents’ house. Ordinarily I am an emotional eater; I eat when happy, sad, stressed etc. I love food (and learned to love the exercise required to burn off my intake of food!). Post bomb though, I had no appetite - I still have no appetite. I make myself 3 meals a day, admittedly the portion sizes are smaller than they used to be (if I eat too much I am sick). Sometimes I am still sick anyways, no reason, nothing clinically wrong with me (checked with Dr) it is simply the stress and emotional turmoil working its way out apparently. Delightful. On the upside, I have slimmed down a little – that beach body is ready for the summer – no diet required just a cheating husband and pending divorce! I’ll take the positives where I can get them!

So, what can I warn you to expect  – definitely an inability to function when faced with simple tasks, loss of short term memory, tears, anger, weakness, ulcers (I had a mouth full – awful!), loss of appetite, sickness, stomach cramps, headaches (a couple of migraines to in my case), constant feeling of being cold, insomnia, exhaustion and really puffy eyes...BUT – it does get better, I’m 6 weeks in and I only have the coldness, insomnia and exhaustion left – that and occasional nausea! I still have the tears but only very occasionally and they usually catch me off guard, a line in a song or something said on TV – silly little triggers. I have no illusion, I do know there are many more tears to come but I reckon if I could get some more sleep – they would be fewer. Everything seems worse when you are tired.

There is no escaping it, going through the break-up of a marriage is excruciatingly painful, exhausting and often seems like it will never get better but today, today was a good day. I smiled all day today – I got the giggles at work and I actually felt happy. I am going to go to bed feeling happy too. Today is really a turning point and now I’ve had one; I want many more days like today please!

Survival Secrets

• Have a routine for simple tasks, written down as a check list and keep to hand
• Buy a notebook and write everything that is important to remember (or might be) in it. It’s also handy for writing down your to do’s because you won’t remember.
• Eat 3 meals a day – even if its mice sized portions, include your 5 A Day – you need the vitamins
• Buy some herbal refreshing eye drops – not so good at reducing the puff but they do help soothe the stinging, great for tired eyes too. 

If you have any survival secrets to share I would love to hear them. Either leave a comment or email me at girlexwifenewlife@gmail.com 

Until next time...I'm off to have a cuppa with a smile!