This week’s been a weird one. I think the longer you carry
on the more reality sets in. I don't miss my husband but I think that's because
I'm so angry with him. I do however feel sad and boy that hurts.
The first few weeks I was so
full of adrenaline and still very much in shock that I was quite positive! I
had a plan of action (and I'm sticking to it) and the future was bright, but now, the steps in the plan are
further apart now which leaves days of nothing to focus on but work. I
love my job and yes, it does keep me occupied but there are plenty of hours in
the day I'm not working and all of the time my mind wanders. To date I think I’ve
managed 3 hours of not drifting to thoughts about what's happened - apart from when I'm sleeping but that I'm not
sure on either – I have vivid dreams. You see, my mind is doing a wonderful job
of dreaming its way through the reality of what should have been, kids, new house, holidays together etc - thanks for that brain, really helps! My thoughts, not more than two months ago were of a beautiful future, redecorating the house, holidays etc - the questions I had were what colors do I want on the walls? Where should we go away? Now, the questions are predominantly what the hell happened? How did I not see this coming? What did I miss? What am I supposed to do now? How should I be feeling? How should I behave? but most of all: Who am I now?
Who am I now, well, I am going to be a 'Divorcee' - this is really irritating me. I will, one day, have to tell my children
(when I have them) that mummy was actually married before. Prior to this, I will
have to tell the boyfriends of the future I am divorced and it's bugging me. My parents have said “you
only have to tell those people who matter so no need to let it play on your mind” but I am not very good at keeping
secrets. You get what you see with me, no hidden skeletons in the closet and
brutal honesty if you ask me questions - the ability to lie/hide things is not in my skill set and never will be. The one exception to this rule is if others confide in me, I can be trusted with that information for sure but I won't lie for people nor allow them to come to harm so again there are exceptions.
Anyway - back to the topic. I'm struggling with the
'divorcee' bit as I hate the thought of being labelled. There are
countless articles about how there is always “two in a marriage and divorce is a
result of fault on both sides” etc. I just don't feel I fall into a 'fault' category. Even
my stb-ex husband swears I did nothing wrong apart from be a better person than him
which he couldn't deal with - could that really be classed as a fault? I married him for better or worse, I really believed in my vows - I lived them to the best of my ability, I was everything I believe a wife should be and more. I am a good person and I don't want a label that causes that to be questioned. The logical side of my mind is saying those who have still have an issue with you being divorced, once they understand the circumstances, are not people who are going to enrich your life so probably shouldn't be a part of it in any event. Like with all labels people place on one and other, they are superficial - it does not and should not define you as a person.
I'm not going to say "I take my divorcee label and will wear it with pride", instead: "Yes, I am a divorcee and it was my choice. I chose not to stay married to someone who does not value their vows. I was betrayed and deeply hurt but I survived it, made good choices for myself and will go on to live a happier life. I will meet someone who will be for me, the person I am for them. An individual who will value, live and breath their vows to me and I deserve nothing less". Got it? Good.
* Survival Secrets *
On a
brighter note, I realised this morning that I now have the opportunity to
rethink my life goals/dreams. I no longer have to craft them around another
person. It’s a weirdly exciting thought – so many times I have said no to
opportunities, not allowed myself to consider possibilities outside of my
location, never really thought about what “I” really want, it was always “we”
for the last 8 years.
So this brings me to the step for this week - what my armchair moment is going to look like?
- 50 years from now, what do I want to look back on?
- What memories will I have?
- What experiences will I cherish?
- Moreover what will I have achieved in my life?
This is also my question for you – whatever
stage of the end of marriage process you are at, take the time to sit down and
reassess your goals, dreams and ambitions. Shut out the ex, start with a blank
page, ignore the current financial/location binds and write the first things
that come into your mind...
I’d love to hear what you have... I will be sharing mine too! For if you have no dreams, goals or ambitions, how do you know you’re
making progress? Equally, these may change in time, and that is ok too, but I definitely
think a person should have one or two to have to hand – it’s great to dream and
it feels so good to live them!
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