“Where are your diamonds?”

She’s my 4 year old goddaughter who I love the bones of. It was only a matter of time before she started asking questions. It’s been over 6 months now and she’s only seen me and not the ex. Of course at the time she was told by Mummy he wouldn't be around anymore as he had “been naughty” and had upset her daddy and auntie Lacey and, as a four year old does, she just got on with it and seemingly forgot about him…

Until…timing perfect as always, just she and I in the car and clearly she’d been looking at my hand whilst I was driving and noticed my engagement/wedding band were not there anymore. I should have been prepared for this one and maybe even compared notes with Mum and Dad in advance so I could make sure I was following their lead but she had cornered me; in the car, 5 minutes into a 2.5 hour car trip, on my own – I was going to have to answer this one.

“I don’t wear them anymore as I am not married now. When you get married you make promises to the person you marry which are very important. Unfortunately uncle ex was not able to keep his promises any more so that means our marriage is now over”

“Oh! that was very naughty you should never break your promises. You should always keep your promises, I always keep my promises… Are you sad?”

“A bit yes. Marriage is supposed to be forever, so it was sad for me when it ended before forever. You don’t need to worry though as I’m not very sad anymore and it’s always ok to talk about it – I will always answer your questions and it will not upset me ok?”

“ok”…(minutes silence)…“Auntie Lacey”

“Yes poppet?”

“I married my rabbit but HE didn’t keep his pinky promise and did not treat me like a princess anymore so now my marriage is over”

“Is that right?”

“Yes, but I’m going to find a new better prince so it will all be ok. You deserve a prince who treats you like a princess - I will find one for you to marry.”

“Well that would be lovely, thank you”

“I’m going to have a marriage like a short movie, just for a day, I think that’s enough don’t you?”

“In some cases, possibly, if it’s a really good movie”

“ok good, that’s sorted then….I would like to go to Disneyland please”

“Oh would you now?” and so ensued a conversation about all things Disney.

No mention of it again, no more questions nothing. Back in the car, two days later, Taylor Swift comes on the radio…

“Oooo like you and Uncle ex!” she exclaimed and proceeded to belt out at the top of her voice “are never ever ever getting back together…” over, and over, and over.

I have to say I could do nothing but laugh. I think she gets it.

If I was to have a funeral for my marriage

Would I be able to speak at it, probably not. Would I want to attend, absolutely.

I don’t think it is right to say I like funerals but I like the fact we have them. It is a great form of closure in part, albeit soon after the loss, but it allows you to reflect, in some ways accept the loss and moreover celebrate the existence of the person no longer with us. Most importantly, it is the opportunity to say our goodbyes. It is, in my mind, a crucial stage of the dealing and healing process.

I loved my husband there is no question, I also loved my marriage. I was in love with the plans we had and whilst there was always uncertainty – I was always excited about the future. What I had was far from perfect, but it was mine and I invested in it. Now it is gone and it went in a second.

My marriage ended via sms, since receiving that text I have spent less than an hour in the presence of my husband and less than an hour more communicating with him in any way. He is effectively entirely absent from my world. I went from living as part of a unit, with my husband, lover and best friend to nothing in under an hour. Now, 6 months on, I am starting to feel the grief for that loss. I recognise this as the anger has passed, the distractions I had furiously whipped up have lost their strength in the battle to block the loss from my mind and now it is very much in my conscious.

There is no opportunity to gather together and talk fondly of my husband and the time we shared. There is no celebration of the life we had or reflection on the happy times. He is nigh on never spoken of now, and when he is it is never in a positive tone. I can’t change this as his actions have redefined him – people do not think of him as the man he was when we married. That person is gone. I never had the opportunity to say goodbye.

It has been suggested I should have a divorce party once it is final, celebrate my new life and have a good time. Honestly, I would rather have a funeral.

New Experiences of my New Life

I have had the most exciting 6 weeks to date, speaking today from where I am sitting – I do not regret a single moment . You will never learn anything about yourself unless you try new things and challenge yourself. .. The two phrases that run through my mind today are these: “Imagine what you could achieve if only you tried” & “I don’t know what the future holds but I know who holds my future”

The first, as I have tried all sorts of things; a new living arrangement which has worked out spectacularly well, a new job – we are a few weeks in but it’s looking good to close my first deal before month end (so exciting) and a new business which could hold the key to a wonderful future. New friends – many of whom will be lifelong I’m sure and I have even dated – a step that was critical to take and thoroughly enjoyable. I am only at the start of what I am capable of achieving and the life I will go on to lead and I intend to keep trying, investing and stretching myself…I don’t know what my future holds but I know who holds my future…ME!

The current running under all of these aspects is my confidence in my own mind, instinct and ability to make the right decisions for me. To be able to trust your own gut is an ability that shouldn’t be taken lightly – besides, I will make mistakes, every human does – they may as well be my own it is the only way I will learn!

Following your gut allows you the confidence to speak your own mind, communicate your position and be confident of what you are saying. It takes time to be able to do this as standard. Sometimes you will hold back, I have and it hasn’t helped me in the slightest. I have kept quiet when I should’ve asked the questions; I’ve kept a guard when I should’ve expressed myself fully in actions as well as words. I do not see these as regrets I see this as learning about me. When you do lay it out as you feel it, you may not reach/experience the outcome you hope for, it may even hurt somewhat, but it will be the right outcome as you have been true to yourself, no point to living a lie my friends.

Living is about taking each day, some will be great some will be torturous but this is your life…live it. Feel the highs, feel the lows and have no regrets. No one can ask for more. My quote of the month is this……..

“I do not just want to live the length of my life; I want to live the breadth and depth out of it”

Up on my feet again…

With a little help from my friends and someone very special! I think I just needed a little bit of a reminder of what the reality of my situation(s) is and who I am. When there is so much going on – conflicts in work and personally with a real uncertainty of what is next, it is easy to become lost in that and overwhelmed by the stress/pressure of it all.

I am very fortunate to have some truly wonderful people in my life right now, a few of which as a direct result of the breakdown of my marriage and I can genuinely say my world is so much richer for it. I don’t know where I am going or what is next for me but as a little birdy said “you haven’t lost your identity, you’re a very strong girl and you should treat your new life as an adventure…see it as exciting!” and I have decided I will do just that – shutting down the fears and anger in my head and genuinely doing what feels right and makes me happy and let’s just see where I end up!

This month will be hard, but I know what will be, will be the right thing for me in the outcome and as for September, well that’s for another edition, another time…what I will say is it is incredibly exciting and I genuinely cannot wait!

Until next time………..

The Reality is Anger & Hurt

Let’s look underneath the positive spin and strategy I have tried to employ for the last 4 months at the real reality of my situation. My husband who I gave everything to and loved to pieces cheated on me with 3 different women in one month after I had spent two years following our wedding, working my butt off to support him and keep a roof over our head whilst he was sick. This wasn’t “I’ve fallen for someone else, I'm sorry” this was reckless, selfish and despicable – he just did not give a damn.

I really believed in love and marriage. I am naturally a very trusting person but this has literally pulled my world apart. I do not love him anymore, some might say you can’t just turn that off, but I can assure you I do not. It’s not the loss of him that is the issue it is the loss of the life I built and what that has meant going forward. It has completely ruined my ability to trust people and I mean everyone. I do not even trust my best friend at the moment and that is a horrible place to be. 

Everything I worked for over the last 6 years is irrelevant, the plans I had don’t apply – at least not in the timeline I had for them and I honestly don’t know if I want those things anymore. I am suspicious of people, paranoid of others behaviour and second guess everything twice. I struggle to make a decision let alone trust I have made the right one.  

Every day I am working to put myself back on my feet but it seems there is always a new hurdle. I have tried to open myself to new possibilities but I’m not at all sure I am brave enough to see them through. I am more fragile now that I have been in my lifetime and I hate that. 

I am angry, incredibly hurt and very lost –  I realise this isn’t going to ease quickly despite my determination to keep going. It has definitely made my standards for others higher, I’m not going to apologise for that. I didn’t deserve this and I will not allow myself to be obliterated like that again so to play a part in my life going forward it has to be earned by actions, which speak a whole lot louder than words.

First day of my future...

So a weekend of change is looming…a change for the better I hope!

Tomorrow marks the day my new flatmate moves in. I haven’t shared a home (bar for with the ex) since I was at Uni so whilst I know I am quite easy going I am sure this will be some adjustment! I am really looking forward to it, not only for the company she will provide (I am not a fan of living alone!) but because I see it as an opportunity to settle down now and get my life back in order. 

It is 3 months to the day today from when I received that delightful text that turned my world upside down and boy, it has been somewhat of a roller coaster ever since. All the organisation and planning that normally runs through my life has been non-existent, I have simply lived. Not that this was a bad thing, I have had some truly excellent times and really good memories from throwing caution to the wind and getting out there and involved – I still have plans in the coming months that I said yes to in my “do not say no to anything” month which I am looking forward to. The flip side is everything else; jobs at home/chores, financial planning, sending birthday cards etc and even work to some extent, have just been things I’ve had to do when they become urgent. I haven’t completed anything to my usual standard and the gradual accumulation of last minute.com efforts has resulted in a lasting feeling anxiety, which is only growing day by day. 

For my housemate to move in I have to move out of the “big” bedroom, into the box room – or as is now termed “diddy blue room”, my new space, all to myself (+ the cats). I have put a lot of effort into this room, getting it right so despite the size, it will work for me and I will feel comfortable, calm and most of all, secure staying in it. I have had a bed/platform type thing built to my design which has a huge amount of storage concealed underneath. Shelving and new plug sockets built around it and bought a wardrobe/drawer unit to slot in the remaining space. The walls are baby blue in colour, with the furniture and everything else white. The middle door on the wardrobe is a full length mirror and I have some original Winnie the Pooh sketches in frames (21st birthday present) to hang on the wall. It will, when finished tonight, look beautiful. Tomorrow I will move all my things into it, put my photos up on the shelves and organise my wardrobe. I really feel I will be happy once I am in and hopefully sleep like a baby tomorrow night! 

So once the diddy blue room and I are acquainted and my flatmate is in and settled I have a serious project to complete. I need a week, month, 12 month, 3 year plan written for me. I intend to write this as though there will only be me to consider in the next 3 years – this is not because I expect to be ‘single’ for all the 3 years, I don’t – it is to ensure I don’t lose sight of what is important to me and what I want to achieve out of my life. I think perhaps, well I know(!) I lost this when I married my ex, maybe even before that. With hindsight, a lot of the decisions I have made were more weighted towards not what would be best for me or even “us” but for him. I wasn’t happy in my marriage for the last year and this was largely because I had lost my way. I had even perhaps changed as a person somewhat. The pressures of life, debt and his illness and dependency really ate away at me. I spent no time doing anything for me, in fact nothing was about me and how I felt or what I might like. That shouldn’t have happened – I should have prioritised myself more, which I did in the latter months and the ex checked out (no bad thing) but by doing so, I again lost my footing. Of everything that has happened, the only emotion I have not yet shed attached to it all is anger at myself for allowing him to have such control/influence over me. I will not allow this to happen again and I think by having a defined goal/ambition plan I can check myself against this down the road of my new relationship(s) and keep myself true to me.

So peeps, a planning weekend - this is actually the most exciting bit, I love planning and printing out my charts etc. Such a geek! I may even go crazy and frame the 3 year one on my wall in the diddy blue room just to keep myself focused every morning! I have no idea what I am going to put in this plan though - its a big white sheet of paper where actually, for the first time in my life, ANYTHING is possible...what an incredible place to be!

A dip with a lot of tears...

So it turns out I am not able to remain a happy bunny 100% of the time, I am disappointed by this but not so naïve as to have not anticipated a dip at some point. What caught me off guard was that it was the eve of my birthday when it happened. That I would never have guessed.

After a brilliant weekend with my lovely party and my best mates to stay, I was a very happy (admittedly very hangover) bunny. I went to work on Monday as usual and had a reasonable day…it was only as I was on the train home that I was beginning to feel grumpy, I started to think about why – was it just that my party was over and having so looked forward to it, was this just a bit of deflation now it had passed, possible. I also had to do my week shop at the supermarket as hadn’t had the time at the weekend and it’s really not something I enjoy so maybe that was adding to it. In addition I was rushing home to meet a workman coming to give me a quote at the house who then cancelled (when I was more than half way home) for the 2nd time – yes that definitely added to it (!!) and I was (am) also very tired. Despite all of this, I didn’t think I had got to the bottom of it.

When I got home from my shop, I walked into my living room and looked at my fireplace, on top stood a stack of birthday cards yet to be opened and some presents ready for tomorrow. I had the initial elation of excitement…’Oooo I can open all of those tomorrow’…and then it hit me…’alone’. This would be the first birthday of the 28 I’ve had where I will sit and open my cards and presents on my own. I am on my own. In that very moment I felt the loneliest I have ever in my life felt. I promptly burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I then got the wine out and cried some more! I was actually still pouring out the tears when the clock passed midnight and it was my birthday. Now I was crying on my birthday, another first! With that not so positive realisation I crawled into bed only to wake up at 4am with a pounding headache and the obligatory puffed eyes. Brilliant.

I did open my cards and presents on my own, and no, I didn’t feel any better about it but I was lucky to receive some beautiful gifts and really lovely cards – particularly the words written inside which made me cry again – at least happy, heartwarmed tears this time, and once I had pulled myself together, off to work I went.

I rang my best mate whilst driving home in the evening and admitted to her how awful I felt and that I thought it might be because I was lonely. I wasn’t sure how she would respond, maybe tell me to stop being ridiculous and enjoy my birthday and that I’m not on my own etc, but no, she just simply said “yeah that sucks, I’d be crushed by that too” & “don’t take this the wrong way but I am so pleased you are normal, you are a human being and do need to cry, you’ve been hurt terribly and as much as you are better off out and have no feelings for him now – he still really f*cking did one on you and the ripple effect of that is by far from over” Probably shouldn’t have rang her whilst I was driving, could’ve done with some wipers for my eyes!

Feeling a bit better today though, emotionally bruised and exhausted but better. Guess there are going to be more surprises along this road than I thought, but then you have to have the lows to appreciate the highs right? What I do need is a new plan for me; goals to really focus on for the next 12 months and get my motivation levels back up and make sure this dip doesn’t become a canyon!

Confidence, strength and happiness

Throughout my life I have always had goals of some description – to be fair I can think of at least 5 I worked towards tirelessly and then as I neared them realised it really wasn't what I wanted and so consequently set off on a new trajectory! As frustrating as it felt at the time(s) – I wouldn't change a thing. I have learnt some very important lessons by living my life, it’s made me who I am at the end of the day and as I sit here now, that’s a great place to be.

Back in December last year I was really feeling the despair of not really knowing what I wanted or where I was going. I had made choices in the recent months to allow myself to cope with all I had to manage at the time but it had meant I had walked away from a career path/company I had really bought into when I joined. It was a necessity to take the steps I did but that didn’t help me when the New Year was looming and I had no idea what it was going to hold, nor a plan round what I was going to achieve in 2012. Those who know me know I need plans or objectives to function. For me to get the most out of life and perform at the best of my abilities (without being obsessive about it) I require a plan or outline to use as a platform. The last part of 2011 I was treading water and frankly, just the fact I was doing that without a plan was drowning me!

I read an article in a magazine about “Life Coaching”, it got me thinking – maybe I need some support to identify what I want. Perhaps I should invest in myself for a change. I have to admit I was sceptical – I didn’t enter into it with any real confidence it would be the answer to my needs but I was open to the possibility it might help. I did my research and selected a coach I felt some affinity to the profile of. I made the call and was overwhelmed by the positivity and enthusiasm of the coach I didn’t hesitate to book an initial session. There is something hugely attractive to me being around positive people – if nothing else maybe I could capture some of her enthusiasm and translate that into my life!

We met first in January and over the following 3 months covered all sorts of topics. Not unlike my previous goal plans, each time we met I took the sessions off in a new direction! I have the utmost respect for my coach and her ability to keep up and remain engaged when I scupper all her planned activities for our session by introducing something off topic on each occasion! In any event it was/is exactly what I needed. With her support and employing her techniques I worked through and broke down a number of inhibiting behaviours I had adopted over the years. We identified limiting beliefs I had created as young as 13 and really wasn’t aware I was still so bound by and worked to rid myself of them. To the sceptics amongst my readers, talking of “limiting beliefs” etc. may be a bit much, but I hand on heart promise you every one of us has them and they can truly be a pain in the butt without you even realising it!

Come March I really felt I had my confidence back, I had a better idea of what made me tick and was able to outline the person I was and further who I wanted to be. We worked on defining my goals and attempting the armchair view. I had my fire back, well a small campfire, but the zest in me was there. I was motivated again. It was at this point I was approached to return to the company I had walked away from – the offer was a better position, broader possibilities for progression and I was the first choice before they went out to the market for candidates. It could not have come at a better time and I accepted without hesitation.

In April, the worst thing that could happen (as I viewed it before), happened. I was nothing short of devastated by my husbands betrayal and initially it genuinely felt like the world as I knew it had exploded and I was surrounded by debris – even the goals I had written were shredded and scattered around me. But, something interesting happened on the 4th day. I lay in bed, wide awake at 5am with eyes so sore and sunken I wasn’t sure I’d ever have a non-puffy face again and a thought popped into my head “You are worth so much more than this; you need to rely on you and get up. Do what you know works, make a plan. Put everything into that plan you would advise others to include and execute it. You can not remain in this state any longer” So…that is what I did. I started with a plan for the first week and it evolved from there. My best friend bought me a beautiful butterfly notebook and that became my little survival plan: My marriage is over – what happens next plan.

I started with the essentials: What do I need to know/do

• Work out your finances, where do you stand?
• Find a Lawyer so you can understand where you stand and what you need to do to obtain a divorce?
• Who do you need to tell about what’s happened (nearest and dearest etc.) & what message do you want to communicate
• Go to counselling asap and stick with it 
• What else I needed to do to make me feel in control of my life again
• What did I need to accomplish in the next 3 weeks so I can start my new job on form and in the right mind set

I have continued to evolve my survival plan and last weekend I realised I have reached a point where by the end of the first week of July all my objectives will be complete - aside from the divorce but that will come in time and is well under way its just a case of paperwork.

I am nearing the end of my counselling also really. When I went this week I learned I was experiencing “Posttraumatic Growth” – finally an explanation of how it is ok that I feel so happy despite that life changing explosion 3 months ago.

Definition:

“Posttraumatic growth refers to positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances. These sets of circumstances represent significant challenges to the adaptive resources of the individual, and pose significant challenges to individuals’ way of understanding the world and their place in it. Posttraumatic growth is not simply a return to baseline from a period of suffering; instead it is an experience of improvement that for some persons is deeply profound. Characteristics of Posttraumatic Growth include some of the following: greater appreciation of life, changed sense of priorities, warmer, more intimate relationships, greater sense of personal strength, and recognition of new possibilities or paths for one’s life and spiritual development.”

Now with the world of opportunity open to me and a blank canvas for my future, starting from a really positive place I need to create a new plan, what happens now I have survived and come out of it in a better position? What do I want? What will my armchair view look like? (A topic for the next entry….)

Without having completed that coaching in advance of April, I am certain I would not have been in as good a position to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on. It was extremely hard and I wouldn’t volunteer for it again, but I did it.

I will be forever grateful for having invested in myself and for the support and guidance from my wonderful coach and I am excited to work with her on my new life picture!!

Divorce petition filled at court...

This is a big step, it's very much real when you see those papers and give consent for them to be submitted to the court. I imagine for many this is a very painful part of the process. It is likely to be so for my ex when he is served with them - reality smacking you in the face is often when the bubble bursts!

I expected to feel something when it got to this point. I didn't enter into my marriage with any thought to it ending at any stage, no matter how difficult it may have ended up being. I have however (since the age of 11) maintained if a person cheats on me I am done - regardless of the circumstances or explanation but I never had him pegged for that - 'never in a million years' as they say so this was of no concern to me. 

I remember the day I made that commitment to myself; I was stood at the bottom of the stairwell at my secondary school waiting for my BFF before going up to our form room for registration. The "mean girl" gaggle approached, sniggering and whispering (they had this down to an art!), one of them walked towards me raising her shoulders, tilting her head slightly and flicking her hair over her shoulder as she teetered towards me in her 2+inch heels that she’d changed into on the school bus...I knew something was coming! I was never bullied at school after primary, I spent a lot of my childhood with boys through sport and had adopted their "do I give a cr*p attitude" and quick witted responses so it became too much effort for the mean girls to get at me and so they focused their efforts on 'weaker' prey, where they achieved their end goal of a reaction that in some way lessened their own insecurities, as bullies do! In any event, I remember feeling quite uneasy despite this. "X kissed your boyfriend in the bushes on Saturday (snigger) he's going to dump you today...(all snigger)...bet you weren't expecting that" - to my credit, I kept my shock inside and retorted with "if that's the case I wouldn't want him to be my boyfriend anyway!". It turned out he did in fact kiss a girl in the bushes and yes, he did dump me...the one and only time in my life I have been dumped and it hurt like hell! It's interesting now to think how I felt back then - I know it in detail as I have diaries for all my younger years and there are little spots of smudged ink where I had broken my 11yr old heart into it, writing about my pain and anguish...I was so rocked by that, so young as well! 

The day(s) I got the details from my ex of his indiscretions I once again broke my heart, my best friend says  I sounded like a wounded animal, that she has never heard a cry filled with so much pain before that weekend. It took over me though, the despair completely consumed me. Everything hurt and I just couldn't stop the tears! I love her for being with me those two days...I couldn't have let it out at my parents, whilst I was in shock and virtually emotionless the day I found out, my mum was not - she was (and still is) devastated by it and my dad, the angriest I have ever witnessed - not just for me and how awful it was for me, but because my parents had loved him as a son, they accepted him into our family and gave him the same support, love and nurturing as they did for me and my brother - he slapped them in the face with no regard, just as he had me. Now for them it is like he died that day, they haven't seen him nor heard from him he just disappeared from their lives.

My best friend (sister I never had) was on holiday. I hadn't planned to tell her until she got back the night after, no need to spoil her trip when she'd be home in a day. My ex however didn't give a thought to her being away and text her, before he text me, to tell her I would need her as he had cheated on me and he was about to tell me. She called as soon as she picked up the message but I told her I was fine and we’d sort it when she got back, I know she didn’t believe me but she didn’t have a choice, there were no earlier flights! The next evening I sat in my car on her drive waiting, refreshing the flight arrival schedule on my phone. Typically the plane was delayed! It was after 2am before they pulled up next to me. Immediately she got in my car and gave me the best hug I have ever had in my life and that’s when it all erupted. I struggled to breathe let alone speak and we sat there for a good hour before I felt I could stand and make it to the house. I cried all night on her sofa, I remember repeatedly telling her that it was over - recalling the memory of that stairwell 15 years previous; I had always said if I was cheated on, it was over, this was no different just on a much more dramatic scale!

It did hurt. I am conscious sometimes it may seem I didn’t care, that I am not bothered by the breakdown of my marriage or on-going divorce process. This is not the case. I did care, deeply. I am pained that I will be a divorcee and I don’t relish the process either but I can't change it and frankly wouldn't want it any other way now. My choice is to dwell on it and miss out on my life or to deal as best I can and keep going. 

The completion of the divorce is the final step to shut the door on that chapter in my life, I will say I did expect to feel sad signing off on those papers, but I can't say I did, all I felt was a wave of relief. I think the difference is this: I am 100% certain I do not want to be with my ex, I hold no bitterness towards him, I’m not angry with him either nor do I regret walking away - I am simply indifferent about it all now. 

I believe strongly that my decision at 11years old is the right one for me, it is done and I’ve moved on, the sooner the door shuts, the better.  

How am I doing so well?

It’s a good question, and in honesty one I have asked of myself regularly lately – a bit like pinching yourself to check you’re not dreaming…! It is fast, from the outside looking in I know people around me are equally surprised by my progress and positive aura I am bouncing around with. What I feel I should share with you is that my circumstances in the run up to the adultery are unique and with the background it may be easier to understand how I have reached where I have in the time I have.

The big revelation which has come to light over the course of the last 8 weeks is that I haven’t really lost anything and most significantly – I genuinely do not miss him anymore. For quite some time there was only me investing anything into our marriage. It’s quite shocking to realise, and was actually the most painful part of the process to date however, the realisation came quickly and has certainly helped me come to terms with the end of my marriage quickly, draw a line under it and make strides moving on and living my life.

The circumstances, in brief are as follows: it was only a couple of months following my wedding when my stbex husband fell ill. He was poorly for a year and then spent the second year unable to accept that he was in fact better (partly denial, partly fear he would get sick again and looking back - sooo enjoyed the attention) he was signed off to return to work full time and he then descended into a deep depression (or so he led me to believe) which was equally debilitating and more of a challenge for me than his physical illness had been. I absolutely grafted my butt off in those two years. Not only did I work 15-20 odd hours a day to cover the absence of his salary and keep the roof over our head, I also became his full time carer/wife/housekeeper. Everything at home, or in general to do with our lives was on me – he literally did nothing but lean on me for more – be it support, my time or my money. I even left my dream job because I couldn’t give the company what they needed from me because I was so tied with my responsibility at home. Family comes first for me, before anything else, it was an excruciatingly difficult to leave my job but I reassured myself it was only temporary and that when he was better, he would absolutely support me to get back to where I had reached so it would be fine.

If I was to find myself in a similar situation in the future, I would do nothing differently – I was his wife, “in sickness”, “for poorer” and “worse” and I was determined to keep my promises, that’s just how I work. What I never anticipated was that there would be no “health”, “richer” or “better” – let’s face it, that was what I was working so hard for! In January this year he returned to work. I threw him a lovely surprise birthday party just before, so we could have an evening to celebrate, not only his birthday, but that we had got through the worst two years of our lives and could look forward. After 3 weeks at work (just to be sure he was coping first) I asked him to pick up some of the work at home e.g. take the rubbish out, empty/load the dishwasher and wash his own clothes. With a distinct air of reluctance he did occasionally help out. Gradually I upped my expectations of him and let him know now was the time for me to start getting my life back on track too.

I started focussing on my career again, I was invited back to my dream job (in a better position which is fab!!) and went about rebuilding the friendships I had neglected over the years he was ill. I had simply not had the time or freedom to meet up with them - I even missed my best friends hen as he was unwell that weekend and asked if I would stay at home instead, (big regret)! I felt I was getting back to me, I worked hard on my goal plans and ambitions with the support of a great coach, put to rest some inhibitors I had carried around from my past and started to feel very excited about my potential, our lives and the future. The only dampener on my spirits was that I still didn’t feel things were right in our relationship. I desperately wanted him to see the positives too and start enjoying life again, he would say “your so amazing, I love you so much, you’re too good for me, I don’t know why you love me” and “I don’t know what I would do if you ever left me” – I would of course reassure him I wasn’t going anywhere and that I would never have married him if I didn’t love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him – taking on all that comes with that, but now was the time to put all the struggles behind us and enjoy life and so asked him to “please try and pull yourself out of this”. I remember I quietly made excuse after excuse to myself for his behaviour thereafter, making myself believe things would get better – he would make the effort, if not for himself, for me. It never crossed my mind to give up…

Two months later, he checked out of our marriage, his responsibilities and broke every single promise he had made to me. His excuse “I do love you but I'm not good enough for you, I never will be and you would have left me eventually anyway”. I don’t doubt that he did love me, he may still in his own way but for me, if you love someone you give it your all – that he definitely did not.

The first month was awful, I don’t need to describe it – if you have been through it/are going through it – you will know. Historically I have always worried about what might happen. For me, in March 2012 – the worst thing I could ever imagine happen to me, happened. What surprised me more though was what happened next. I was quickly in receipt of the most overwhelming influx of love and support from all around me, family, friends (+ his friends), colleagues and even acquaintances. Without this I wouldn’t have made it this far, but they made it their mission (particularly my family and 4 best friends) to keep me on my feet and listened to me as I talked my way through it all and reach the conclusion I have.

The beginning of May was my fresh start. My mum asked me to promise her two things:
1) Take hold of every opportunity open to me and go for it – be that going out with friends, travelling, work related or anything basically! &
2) To be open to the possibility of love again.
....I said I would, albeit reluctantly to the second!

I am a girl who keeps her promises...and into May I went. I re-joined my company and was clear on my career plan and more determined than ever to succeed, I have been out and about every night and weekend bar for one evening, saying yes to every opportunity presented to me. I have worked my butt off, spent time with all of my friends and family, laughed until my stomach ached regularly, worn fancy dress more times in this last month than I have in my lifetime and I have enjoyed every single minute. It has been one of the all time best months of my life and I am sure that June and many months to follow will be no different...how exciting!

So what have I lost? How happy would I have been even? Would I ever have had the love, support and companionship I gave to him in return? Is this not just a very lucky escape from a lifetime of giving it all and having nothing to show for it?

If I had to describe how I feel about the end of my marriage, I can confidently say at this point I am relieved…

I have a second chance, relatively young, without children caught up in it, at a time when every other part of my life is great...I think this is quite possibly a gift; packaged terribly and not one I would welcome again(!)  but by unwrapping it, I have learnt a huge amount about myself and what makes me happy.

Above all, I know who I am now and what I want out of my life. Despite my initial reluctance, I am open to love again...I am open to allowing someone new, who deserves me, to share my life. A person who will raise my standards and theirs, make me laugh, support me unconditionally and love every bone in my body. A man who will stand by me, give as good as he gets and will never ever take me for granted...

This time, there will be no excuses, I deserve nothing less.

#divorce, Loss of identity!!

Today was a really good day. Nothing particularly special happened externally (well the sun came out – that’s a pretty special occurrence!) but inside, I feel differently today.

I feel like I have found myself again! The person who I am inside, the core essence if you want a cheesy way of putting it! I had forgotten how good it feels to be your own person, I’m slightly unnerved by how quickly it has come around but then I am a very strong person – I’ve been tested many a time and the test in this instance is no different – in fact in many ways it is less so a test and more so an opportunity to achieve more than I had set my sights on before.

I have written several blog posts over the last week – none of which I published. I started to wonder why I wasn’t publishing them? What was it about them that didn’t sit right with me? I read them all again. They don’t sound like me – that was the issue. They were all true to the letter, written at various times (mostly the middle of the night) and were filled with the feelings and thoughts I was processing at the time – but it wasn’t me. These posts were ‘wallowing’, reliving the moments where I have been sucker-punched by reality over the last week, they were sad and most significantly they had a real sense of hopelessness. One thing I am not is someone who is hopeless. 

I am a proactive person, a fiercely independent strong individual. If you are a friend of mine and you are in a bad place, you speak to me when you are ready to do something about it – I cannot support self-perpetuating cycles of misery and despair! This was it, the eureka moment. I needed to be my own best friend last night, sit myself down, talk through all the options open to me and set a plan, baby steps at first but achievable little wins to start regaining my character, personality and essence!

Instantly I could feel myself relax and this has continued to this evening where I am writing this feeling the calmest I have in weeks. I like being me. Me is a really fun person and I missed her. I suspect others will start to see me again over the weeks to come, (one who never knew me before has certainly started to see a glimpse) but I’m not all there just yet – it will take some more time and I do appreciate there will also be sad/depressing/anxious moments to come to but so long as I have my life back, they will only be temporary I’m sure.

Survival Tips

Who is me? A glass of wine or soft beverage of your choice, a pen and a piece of paper is what you will need and then answer the following questions…add to the list of questions too, don’t worry if you don’t know all the answers…keep it with you and add to it as you remember/come across the answers. The MOST important is to make sure these answers are yours and not what you think are yours but are in fact your ex’s!! 

• What are your favourite things?
• What are your dislikes?
• What’s your favourite music?
• What food do you like?
• What does your ideal Saturday look like?
• Where do you want to travel to?
• Who/what is most important to you?
• What are your beliefs? Morals? & Values?

This is your opportunity to rediscover you. Draw yourself a new picture, get to know yourself well. Learn what brings happiness into your life now and what is negative for you. The answers to these questions could make the difference between remaining in the identity-less limbo going through divorce forces upon you or making the most of the time and stepping towards rebuilding  yourself cementing the foundations for your new confident happy life! 

Strong for too long...today's a sad day

I would just like to get this off my chest, today I am sad. Yes I am also tired, but I am mostly sad. I hurt and as much as I am fighting it telling myself "you shouldn't allow the hurt in yet, you should still be angry, stay angry!" I can't stay angry all the time, my minds not listening anymore, I really bloody hurt and that's all I can think and feel.

This period is inevitable I know, it's a natural next step in the cycle but the fact doesn't lessen the blow. Everything hurts, my limbs, my muscles, even my bones I think, my head aches and my heart – well, let’s not go there. I don’t hurt in the way I long for him back. I genuinely don’t want him but I miss having a person, my person, the person who wraps you up in his arms and makes it feel like it's all going to be OK because in that moment, nothing else matters, because you know you are loved. I was told today that divorce can feel a lot like bereavement; not sure I can argue with that right now.

The pain is the loss of the future I had imagined/planned and was working my ass off towards, coupled with the waste of nearly a 3rd of my life which includes all the opportunities I passed up because of him. I feel guilty for how this is affecting my family and my friends. As much as I am adamant I know I will be OK, everything is so out of my control in this limbo period, there are moments when I really struggle to see how it can all work out OK.

Today I am certain you cannot go through this time of life without it hurting like a bitch (I confess, I had been kidding myself I could escape the really bad bits). I just wish the hurt would hurry up and get out of me so I can move on!

Survival Secrets

The survival secret of the day comes from a lovely fellow divorcee who has been through this (years since) and took the time to write to me with her tips (thank you A), one of which was…

Do allow yourself "duvet days". It is acceptable to crack, all the planning, organisation, working and desperate attempts to keep yourself busy will become too much. There will be days you have no way of stopping the tears, you will cry and hurt and you do need to let it all out and likely stay in bed for the day!

A quote came to mind when reading her advice: 

"Crying doesn't make you weak, it just means you've been strong for too long" 

Too true. 

What to expect in the first few weeks...

I wasn't sure what I would feel or how I would be day to day once the bomb went off, the first few days I cried a lot but this was also mixed with a tangible overriding feeling of anger. I spent hours physically shaking with pure rage and to be honest, this is exhausting! I think I got to a point where I would exhaust myself with the anger pulsating through me that I then would flip straight to tears and a feeling of utter weakness/exhaustion. The first weeks go SOO quickly whilst feeling like its moving at a snail’s pace. I didn't know what day it was most of the time and the most difficult times were when attempting simple tasks.

After the bomb was dropped (by SMS) and my husband made it clear he wasn't coming home to discuss/face it I rang my dad. If you'd asked me prior to this, who I would call under these circumstances I can absolutely swear I would not have said my parents. Ironic as in that moment, the only people I wanted to hear from was them. My dad just said "come home" so that's what I did, packed a holdall, got in my car and drove the 3hr trip home.

Whilst driving I made myself a few promises:

1. You will not let this get the better of you, there is a lot to live for and you will not drop the ball on the other areas of your life - you will be ok
2. Every day you will get up at the alarm, shower and put your make up on ready to face the world
3. You will eat 3 balanced meals a day

I found this exercise quite comforting and survived the drive by avoiding all music with a hint of heartbreak in the lyrics! Sometimes you can be openly grateful for the Disney compilation CD your god daughter left in the car!!

Now my promises 2&3 seem quite simple, these are normal activities. Ordinarily I can get up, shower, put a full face on, dry my hair, dress and leave the house in 45mins on a work day - I have it down to an art. Post bomb however, just simply completing no:2 took me up to 2 hours!! 

I couldn't think straight, I couldn't find anything, I couldn't remember what I normally did in what order. I couldn't decide what to wear; I lost extra minutes in the shower just standing there. It was really frustrating to go through and irritated me intensely - this is not difficult, you are only doing what you have done every morning for the past 10 years - why can't I function for goodness sake! But that was just it, I couldn't function, I couldn't process, I almost couldn't think about anything, my mind was in overdrive and yet completely blank. It's almost like when you open too many applications on an older laptop, you know it can run these applications individually but together it just enters into a whirring frozen state - you can see all the windows are open on the screen and the cursor flickers at you but nothing loads. Slowly one by one the status changes to "not responding" and now you have to shut everything down and start again. That's exactly what my mind was like for the first few weeks...not responding. 

How did I deal with it? Initially not very well…my inability to function really peeved me off – (may account for some of that rage experienced!) I think it was the third morning and I decided enough was enough. I sat down in my room and wrote a list/timetable for my morning routine: 

5:45 Alarm goes off
5:50 Get up and shower
6:05 Moisturize and feed cats
6:10 Put on make up, start with x etc
6:25 Blow dry hair
6:30 Dress

I made sure all my products were laid out in order of use, my clothes were selected and hung on wardrobe the night before and my towels always returned to the bathroom. The first day with the plan was better but the ones after – I was back in the groove. The plan was so prescriptive, I didn't have to think - it was all there, step by step instructions - I didn't even have to think about it. Heaven! One less thing to think about was a joy I can tell you!

No:3 was slightly harder to accomplish once I returned home from the comfort of my parents’ house. Ordinarily I am an emotional eater; I eat when happy, sad, stressed etc. I love food (and learned to love the exercise required to burn off my intake of food!). Post bomb though, I had no appetite - I still have no appetite. I make myself 3 meals a day, admittedly the portion sizes are smaller than they used to be (if I eat too much I am sick). Sometimes I am still sick anyways, no reason, nothing clinically wrong with me (checked with Dr) it is simply the stress and emotional turmoil working its way out apparently. Delightful. On the upside, I have slimmed down a little – that beach body is ready for the summer – no diet required just a cheating husband and pending divorce! I’ll take the positives where I can get them!

So, what can I warn you to expect  – definitely an inability to function when faced with simple tasks, loss of short term memory, tears, anger, weakness, ulcers (I had a mouth full – awful!), loss of appetite, sickness, stomach cramps, headaches (a couple of migraines to in my case), constant feeling of being cold, insomnia, exhaustion and really puffy eyes...BUT – it does get better, I’m 6 weeks in and I only have the coldness, insomnia and exhaustion left – that and occasional nausea! I still have the tears but only very occasionally and they usually catch me off guard, a line in a song or something said on TV – silly little triggers. I have no illusion, I do know there are many more tears to come but I reckon if I could get some more sleep – they would be fewer. Everything seems worse when you are tired.

There is no escaping it, going through the break-up of a marriage is excruciatingly painful, exhausting and often seems like it will never get better but today, today was a good day. I smiled all day today – I got the giggles at work and I actually felt happy. I am going to go to bed feeling happy too. Today is really a turning point and now I’ve had one; I want many more days like today please!

Survival Secrets

• Have a routine for simple tasks, written down as a check list and keep to hand
• Buy a notebook and write everything that is important to remember (or might be) in it. It’s also handy for writing down your to do’s because you won’t remember.
• Eat 3 meals a day – even if its mice sized portions, include your 5 A Day – you need the vitamins
• Buy some herbal refreshing eye drops – not so good at reducing the puff but they do help soothe the stinging, great for tired eyes too. 

If you have any survival secrets to share I would love to hear them. Either leave a comment or email me at girlexwifenewlife@gmail.com 

Until next time...I'm off to have a cuppa with a smile!

Yes I'm a divorcee but I have a fabulous future ahead

This week’s been a weird one. I think the longer you carry on the more reality sets in. I don't miss my husband but I think that's because I'm so angry with him. I do however feel sad and boy that hurts. 

The first few weeks I was so full of adrenaline and still very much in shock that I was quite positive! I had a plan of action (and I'm sticking to it) and the future was bright, but now, the steps in the plan are further apart now which leaves days of nothing to focus on but work. I love my job and yes, it does keep me occupied but there are plenty of hours in the day I'm not working and all of the time my mind wanders. To date I think I’ve managed 3 hours of not drifting to thoughts about what's happened -  apart from when I'm sleeping but that I'm not sure on either – I have vivid dreams. You see, my mind is doing a wonderful job of dreaming its way through the reality of what should have been, kids, new house, holidays together etc - thanks for that brain, really helps! My thoughts, not more than two months ago were of a beautiful future, redecorating the house, holidays etc - the questions I had were what colors do I want on the walls? Where should we go away? Now, the questions are predominantly what the hell happened? How did I not see this coming?  What did I miss? What am I supposed to do now? How should I be feeling? How should I behave? but most of all: Who am I now? 

Who am I now, well, I am going to be a 'Divorcee' - this is really irritating me. I will, one day, have to tell my children (when I have them) that mummy was actually married before. Prior to this, I will have to tell the boyfriends of the future I am divorced and it's bugging me. My parents have said “you only have to tell those people who matter so no need to let it play on your mind” but I am not very good at keeping secrets. You get what you see with me, no hidden skeletons in the closet and brutal honesty if you ask me questions - the ability to lie/hide things is not in my skill set and never will be. The one exception to this rule is if others confide in me, I can be trusted with that information for sure but I won't lie for people nor allow them to come to harm so again there are exceptions. 

Anyway - back to the topic. I'm struggling with the 'divorcee' bit as I hate the thought of being labelled. There are countless articles about how there is always “two in a marriage and divorce is a result of fault on both sides” etc. I just don't feel I fall into a 'fault' category. Even my stb-ex husband swears I did nothing wrong apart from be a better person than him which he couldn't deal with - could that really be classed as a fault? I married him for better or worse, I really believed in my vows - I lived them to the best of my ability, I was everything I believe a wife should be and more. I am a good person and I don't want a label that causes that to be questioned. The logical side of my mind is saying those who have still have an issue with you being divorced, once they understand the circumstances, are not people who are going to enrich your life so probably shouldn't be a part of it in any event. Like with all labels people place on one and other, they are superficial - it does not and should not define you as a person. 

I'm not going to say "I take my divorcee label and will wear it with pride", instead: "Yes, I am a divorcee and it was my choice. I chose not to stay married to someone who does not value their vows. I was betrayed and deeply hurt but I survived it, made good choices for myself and will go on to live a happier life. I will meet someone who will be for me, the person I am for them. An individual who will value, live and breath their vows to me and I deserve nothing less". Got it? Good. 

* Survival Secrets *

On a brighter note, I realised this morning that I now have the opportunity to rethink my life goals/dreams. I no longer have to craft them around another person. It’s a weirdly exciting thought – so many times I have said no to opportunities, not allowed myself to consider possibilities outside of my location, never really thought about what “I” really want, it was always “we” for the last 8 years. 

So this brings me to the step for this week - what my armchair moment is going to look like? 

• 50 years from now, what do I want to look back on? 
• What memories will I have? 
• What experiences will I cherish? 
• Moreover what will I have achieved in my life?  

This is also my question for you – whatever stage of the end of marriage process you are at, take the time to sit down and reassess your goals, dreams and ambitions. Shut out the ex, start with a blank page, ignore the current financial/location binds and write the first things that come into your mind...

I’d love to hear what you have... I will be sharing mine too! For if you have no dreams, goals or ambitions, how do you know you’re making progress? Equally, these may change in time, and that is ok too, but I definitely think a person should have one or two to have to hand – it’s great to dream and it feels so good to live them!  

A little intro...

Here goes...I'm not sure I should even be writing this as I keep thinking about a statement made by a very wise friend of mine centred on how very sad it is that in this day and age, everyone's life is played out online. I agree in part, however, in this instance my aim is not to seek attention, boast, nor elicit sympathy - but provide a real life story for others who find themselves in my situation to discover and in some way I hope it may help them.

The idea only came to me when I found myself googling for other blogs in an attempt to find someone else in my situation, who has been where I have been, felt how I feel and who I hoped could provide me some guidance as to what to do next and more, confirm that it will be ok, that I will be ok!

I guess I should explain. I am in my late 20's, married for nearly 3 years and around a month ago I really felt I had a good life, everything was seemingly, at least in my mind, coming together. I even remarked at a party one evening how happy I was, that it had been a tough couple of years for my husband and I but I really felt things were on the up and how excited I was for the future. Not 12 hours later I received a text message that was to completely pull the rug from beneath my feet.

This is where I draw the line for online content, the exact details I will be keeping private but in overview my husband cheated on me, with a few different women, seemingly settling on one who he liked enough after 2.5 weeks that he decided to tell me about how he’d been unfaithful (in a text) and that our marriage was over.

I was spoon fed the whole truth over a couple of days, which may have been a good thing. I'm not sure if it had all been delivered at once a physical response of perhaps passing out or worse is likely. The drip feed effect lessened the blow somewhat as to be honest the more I found out, the less shocking it was – I was desensitised almost - that being said, I think it is wholly unacceptable to have been initiated by text and then over the phone. Boy - if you have the nuts to screw around behind your wife's back, sure as hell have the meatballs to front it out face to face.  Particularly as in my situation - he didn't want to reconcile, said he would never be able to live with himself, it would drive him crazy (notice it’s all about him - bit of a running theme I'm afraid, my husband’s true colours have shown him to be a very self-centred individual) in my mind he had nothing to lose telling me face to face.

So there you are. It's a shocker, to be fair I think I'm still in shock but each day the reality of it and the pain creeps in, little by little. I sometimes wish I was a very emotional person, that I could cry it out, scream and break things and work through it that way. Sadly I'm not. Crying annoys me as it makes my eyes hurt and puffy so it's obvious to the world what you've been doing. Although I now live alone (he left at my request) I do have two little cats who are frightened to death by me sneezing, I think screaming might do their little nerves in! And as for breaking things, I live alone, so guess who would have to clear it up and replace the items?? Yes moi and frankly I can't be arsed.

For me, it's going to be months of quietly processing what happened. You learn a lot about a person when they are no longer in your life, you hear stories from friends and family of previous behavior that rings alarm bells now, but that's the beauty of hindsight. Even if I had been told these things prior to this last month I'm not sure I would've given them as much consideration. You see I loved my husband to pieces, more than I loved myself and yes, despite being a higher achiever/earner everything I did I did for us. I was investing in our future so we could live happily for a long time. I really thought he was a wonderful person, a bit easily led at times but genuinely had a heart of gold. Equally all our friends and family (his and mine) believed this too - he had us all. It's amazing how a person can be so manipulative and incredibly clever with it.

In any event, here I am a just over a month on. Not sure day to day what I will feel. I wish I could skip the painful bit, I'm ok with anger, denial and the occasional hint of acceptance - it’s the miserable and pure pain phases that wash over me I could do without.

There are a few things I am thankful of however:

1. We have no kids (thank god, I don't know how people do this with children)
2. He's removed himself from contact with all my friends and family so I'm free of him almost entirely once the divorce is finalised.
3. I have learnt what amazing and supportive parents, best friends, extended network of friends, family and colleagues I have around me - I am truly thankful for this - not sure I'd be so together without them!
4. I will be fine.

I am not the one who has lost everything; I am more than capable of making a very good life for myself without him. I am also damned sure he doesn't get to take anything else away from me, not my confidence/self-esteem, not my money and certainly not my love. I am also sure one day I will be able to give him forgiveness but that is a LONG way off. Not so much because of what he's done, more his behaviour around it. Let's just say he's a social network attention user and has daily broadcasts of his life and indiscretions for all to see which is frankly cruel, disrespectful, insensitive and selfish.

Hmm having re-read this, I'm not sure how helpful the first entry is! Oh well, let's call it an intro and I will make sure the next remains true to reality and has a positive helpful guide mixed in! Before I go, I do have some advice…

Survival Secrets

The first survival secret I have to share, 3 daily GOLDEN rules:

1. Get up – at the alarm, every day - NO lying in bed – it will do nothing but make you miserable.
2. Shower, get dressed and put on your makeup -  If you cry it all off – who cares, you need every confidence boost right now – make the effort to look good.
3. Eat 3 meals a day - Get your 5-A-Day, you need those vitamins!